“I deserve someone who actually gives a fuck about me because I’ve spent my entire life making other people happy when all they did was leave.”

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ME, I WAS THE GIRL

“ME, I WAS THE GIRL*

Me, I was the girl
who spoke too white
(proper they called it)
act too white,
dressed too white,
had aspirations that were too white,
was in extracurricular activities
that were considered too white,
and who wasn’t attracted black boys.
Being pulled out of the girls
bathroom stall by bullies
and into the hallway with my
pants around my ankles after
the bell rang and classes got out
this caused me to
become hateful as hell. 😠

©she
February 12, 2018

The 5th Rule Narcissists Club

The fifth rule of Narcissist Club is the more you justify, argue, defend or explain yourself (JADE), the more vulnerable you are. When you have a misunderstanding, disagreement or conflict with an emotionally mature and stable adult, explaining your rationale, point of view or clarifying inaccurate information can be very helpful in resolving the issue.

Oftentimes, when having a conflict with narcissists, borderlines, psychopaths and histrionics, explaining yourself, your feelings, your perspective and correcting falsehoods backfires and results in more abuse. There are several reasons for this. One, in many instances, the stated issue with a high-conflict personality disordered individual is not THE issue.The real issue the the personality disorder. Fears of abandonment, losing control, feeling inferior and fear of public exposure are the most common drivers. Sometimes the disordered person creates drama to alleviate boredom, or because they enjoy inflicting pain. Therefore, it doesn’t matter what the facts are, no matter how well you articulate them.

Two, the more accurate and factual you are in the face of the disordered person’s emotional and circular reasoning, the angrier and more abusive they’re likely to become until you concede that their lies and distortions are true and apologize. When you JADE with someone who believes their subjective emotional experience trumps all, there’s no reasonable discussion or resolution to be had.

Three, JADEing gives your abuser information with which to more effectively manipulate and abuse you. You don’t have to justify telling someone no or explain why you find their behavior abusive and unacceptable. When you do that, you open the unacceptable up for negotiation. The more voluminous defenses you make, the more material you give your abuser to cherry pick and twist. It’s especially important not to do this during divorce and custody litigation.

Four, JADEing is a role reversal. Abuse victims don’t have to explain themselves. Abusers need to explain themselves. Abusers’ explanations generally aren’t explanations at all. They make excuses. “I can’t help it.” “I hurt you because I’m hurting.” “If you didn’t x, y or z I wouldn’t have to be like that.” “Only you bring this out in me.”Or, some individuals who’ve been diagnosed use their diagnosis not to be held accountable for their behavior.

If you’re still communicating with a narcissist, borderline, psychopath or histrionic abuser, don’t JADE yourself. That puts the focus on you instead of where it belongs — on their behavior. If they don’t want to own it like a mature adult, deflect or project it back onto you, game over.

WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU

*WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU*

I like your quirkiness
and that you’re open
to new things

you are intrigued
by the differences of others
because you too are different

you still have an innocence
about you that’s refreshing
for a woman of your
particular age

you have this hope for love
even after the things you’ve
been through

you have this inner strength
that’s very admiring

you accept honesty and
directness without whining,
but will not accept disrespect

You think outside the box
and are very intelligent,
but…

© she
January 25, 2018

*PROCLAIMERS*

I don’t need to
be told what to do
especially by someone
younger than me
You younglings are
not my savior For
you are masters
at telling, yet clever
when confessing
Extremely skilled
at concealing

You self-proclaimed
“mature” are not
impressive anymore
You self-proclaimed
adult “whole adults”
have proven to be
the opposite with a
hidden immaturity
which is completely
unexpected

I don’t care for
unsolicited advice
If I haven’t asked
for it Don’t repeat
what I’ve already
learned You sound
like a broken record

You sound like a
broken record Your
inflated head is filled
with useless air to
me Use it on someone
less experienced

Don’t try to control
me I am not your
puppet to further
destroy To further
annoy

If you’ve never
walked in my
shoes I don’t
wanna hear it
And don’t tell me
that “you’re sorry”
Please keep to
yourself the tidy
and clean shoe
you’ve walked
into my life with

I can save myself
I will save myself
Take me or leave
Complete me
Don’t attempt to
deceive me

© she
January 16, 2018

SELFISH FOOLS

*SELFISH FOOLS*

People are cruel
out here
in the world
They are
no better
They are
no better
Believing what
I’d left behind
was the worst
that there could
be,
But I was
wrong
Oh, I was
wrong
Maybe love
wasn’t meant
for me
Maybe I
wasn’t meant
for it
Floating along
this lonely sea
I’m beginning
to think that it’s
not just me
This world
is cruel
This world
is cruel
Completely
filled with selfish
fools

© Tai (she)
Jan 13, 2018