I don’t know how or why I came upon this particular article while browsing the internet, but I read it and I was immediately blown away because what this woman was writing, saying, expressing, and making us all aware of was exactly has been happening to me for 16 long years. Whoever you are, I would like to thank you.
I’ve copied and pasted her words into my personal blog below but I have omitted what did not pertain to my particular marital relationship and I have added a little more detail of what similarly did relate. First off though I would like to admit that this may be plagiarizing but her words are exactly what I have explained if I had written them first, except she is a more experienced and much better writer than I am.
What you will read in italicized is MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE so that you won’t get too confused.
Give or take 19 Signs You’re Married to a Narcissist
by #Samantha Matthews written November 17, 2014
Married to a Narcissist ~
It’s been said that narcissism is one of the most difficult mental disorders to diagnose, for a few reasons; first, Narcissists tend to believe there is nothing wrong with them, so they do not admit to having problems and don’t seek help in the first place. Second, they are masters at appearing normal to the therapist. Often, if a couple is in therapy, the narcissist can put on such a great show that their partner ends up looking like they are the problem, and the therapist, if not knowledgeable about narcissism, will not see the real issue.
OMG, this is so true. My narcissist and I have been two counselors over the past 15 years and both times I came out looking like the fool even though I had pre-prepped the therapist about his behavior!! Even to this day he is still holding it over my head that the therapist believes that it was all in my head about what I believe is wrong with him!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Therapists can be manipulated to further abuse the victim, “proving” the narcissists accusations of their partner not doing enough and reinforcing the thought that the victim needs to do more. The victim may try and explain the behaviors of the narcissist and why it’s damaging the relationship, but the abuse is often so subtle it’s hard to verbalize and pinpoint how and why the marriage is deteriorating. It is far easier to think that you are causing the issues and if you change your behavior everything will return to “normal”.
Compounding the problem is the fact that the diagnostic definition of Narcissism is fairly subjective. And for victims of a narcissist, who have been brainwashed into thinking their relationship is fine and THEY are the problem, they may not be able to see their partners behaviors clearly identified in the following definition.
Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievement).
Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
Requires excessive admiration.
Has a sense of entitlement (i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations).
Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends).
Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
Show arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
further information HERE
I agree with her opinion on this. My husband fits maybe one of the characteristics on this list. So if I didn’t know better, I wouldn’t have called it narcissism at all either. Thank goodness for her! Honestly, I am still leaning towards mental and emotional abuse, that’s if they are all basically the same thing?
Dating a Narcissist
1. He’s a charmer
Well, I wouldn’t go as far as all that was mentioned above but he did take me to the ritzy part of Dallas and buy me a Toto DVD. What can I say, I love Toto! Hahaha! He appeared sensitive to my feelings and he was a charmer too. But he was too damn quiet, which I thought he would overcome once we got to know each other better.
The flattery they lay on is thick, and if you’re aware, you will notice it right away. Unfortunately, if you’re caught up in the romance you may miss the manipulation that comes along with it. (As I did). Ask anyone who has ever been with a narcissist, they will tell you all the red flags were there. They will also tell you that they could see these red flags, but they dismissed them or rationalized the narcissist’s bad or questionable behavior away. The narcissist is relying on you to do this, which is part of why they’re trying so hard to romance you. Your instincts are there to protect you! If a guy seems “off,” he is!
My narcissist didn’t flatter me at all. Maybe that was a sign right there. A mind game. A sign that he didn’t want me to think I was attractive to him so I wouldn’t think I was attractive to anyone else. But then again, my narcissist has never complimented me on anything anyway. Not even to this day has he ever told me that my hair looked nice after a new hairstyle, or that the new jeans I was wearing complimented my butt or even that I was still attractive at all. Back in 1998, a woman like me who had had very few prior boyfriends and very little compliments from those types of men, I didn’t know back then what I know now, which is, it feels good to be complimented by a man that loves you. It makes you feel loved and makes you feel special.
2. He moves fast.
Narcissists have to move quickly in a relationship, plowing over your natural resistance with over the top romance. This makes you much more easily manipulated, as you’re naturally a bit off balance. Also, as you go deeper into the relationship, you reveal more of yourself to him, and trust him more (Never noticing the tidbits he tells you about himself are small and or incomplete, because he is such a great listener!). That then allows him to destroy you emotionally when he stops paying attention to you or starts abusing you. Once he’s got you hooked, he knows it will be hard, if not impossible for you to escape.
Ok, I must be honest and say that my narcissist and I only dated a few months (maybe 2) before I told him that I wanted a baby. It wasn’t because I found him to be such a great catch and that I wanted to settle down with HIM. It was because I was 28. I figured since I wasn’t finding the right man that I originally had wanted, I at least wanted a baby to love me and this guy seemed like he’d be a pretty good “daddy”. I mean, back then I hadn’t had the good sense to choose a man judging on his family background, mental stability or even maturity level because I obviously have a bad habit of choosing boys instead of men to be with!! So I’ll take the blame on this on this one. I was the one who rushed it.
3. He will let you do all the talking.
A narcissist will let you pour your heart out to him (and if you’re reluctant he will pout, prod, and beg you to tell him ALL about yourself). He will gladly listen to your entire life story, so that he can learn how to exploit your points of weakness and so that you will see him as a comfort and — again — trust him.
I barely knew anything about him because he REFUSED to talk about himself. He would literally get angry when I would ask him about his childhood. But I would just blab and blab and blab about my dysfunctional one.
Honestly, he sees it not so much as listening or communicating, but as gathering facts he can use against you later and as building up your trust in him. That said, his listening skills are not the greatest (mainly nodding) as his natural self-centeredness is almost impossible for him to overcome.
With my narcissist and I, I would usually do all the talking and he rarely ever responded. Well at least with a question, that is. I would always accuse him of never listening to me and he would get angry and loudly tell me that he was, but he never acted like he was. I, however, am the type of person whom if I’m interested or not, if you’re talking to me, I will either respond with a question regarding what you’re talking about or at least reiterate what you just said to let you know I was listening. I would never just sit there with no eye contact watching television.
4. He will seduce you.
Any boundaries you have set up are merely challenges to a narcissist. Don’t want to sleep together yet? He will take it as a personal victory when he ends up “changing your mind” in just a few days. Anytime you say no, they will find a way to change your mind, and do it in such a way you think it was actually your idea. Narcissistic men, in particular, love to use intense sex as a means of hooking their targets, and they tend to have lots of it.
I wouldn’t say that my narcissist did this too much when we were dating but he most certainly does it now. With all of his silent treatments and making me feel guilty for having hurtful feelings (which I guess I’m not supposed to have every day that he treated me unkind) for refusing to have sex with him. I guess in his mind, I was still OBLIGATED regardless. He would manipulate me into thinking that I needed to schedule having sex with him or when he worked 3rd shift and he would come home in the middle of the night, I would have to either keep myself awake and when I felt him crawl into bed, I’d wake up and have to be the one to initiate it. I found myself feeling regretful having told him that we’d have sex tomorrow night and then when the day came, I would spend the whole day anxious and nauseous, knowing that I would HAVE to because now he was EXPECTING me to keep my word. And if I didn’t keep my word, boy, would I really feel the cold shoulder and hear the loud mumbling under his breath about me being a “touchless liar.”
Once he knows he has you hooked, either you have moved in together, married, or by some other means, his behavior will change. At least that is how it will appear to you. The charming man you fell in love with, the one who worshiped you, will fade away, or worse, you will wake up one day and he will have become an entirely different person. In reality, he is just no longer wearing the mask and is showing his true self to you.
So we immediately got started trying to have MY baby. We would have sex all the time even though it was the most excruciating sex I have ever experienced with any man in my life. I even kept track of my ovulation and things like that. I would take a pregnancy test every few weeks. Then finally it happened. I got preggers. But something else also happened. He turned into the devil. He had me and he knew it.