You’re not a good…

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I’m so sick and tired of it. I’m so sick and tired of running to the Internet and Googling whether I’m good enough whenever he tells me…
“You’re not a good wife.”
“You’re pityful.”
“Youre touchless!”
“Youre selfish.”

Making me doubt myself constantly. Well, am a good wife? Well, let’s go on the web and ask… hmmm… all I can see is some shit about being a good Christian woman and how I’m supposed to obey this fuckin jackass no matter what.. Hmm… I don’t think that’s my cup of tea. Then I’d get on the Internet and Google what are a wife’s duties? I know that sounds stupid, but I actually did this, quite often actually, because everything I was doing vs everything he was doing just wasn’t adding up equally. Now, this is when my husband would have felt he had to interject a word in and clarify his point of view on what HE felt was equal or not which I believe is one of the reasons I kept my mouth shut about it. Although I knew he was wrong, he’s still threw it in my face that I was ungrateful or something. And of course, I Googled this too.

In his mind going to work for eight hours was his only job. While mine was everything else which wasn’t as important as his. I suppose keeping the house clean, cleaning the toilets, which the only reason why in mentioning the toilets is because he would walk in the bathroom and instruct me on how to do it, then tell me it had to be done by the time he got home. I suppose running around town taking care of errands and responsibilities which if he were home he could easily have done himself. I suppose everything that I ever did for him wasn’t as important because he was the one breaking his back to support the family (bringing home close to nothing in income). Putting us all in situations of which had us close to homelessness several times.  Situations for which I was responsible for fixing. If anyone was taken for granted, it was me. I hate to sound ungrateful, but if you have to live week to week, you might as well say you were living off close to nothing. He still to this day makes it seem like he’s doing me a favor by letting me stay here, continually throwing it in my face that he didn’t have to accept me come back, after I called off the divorce and moved back from Austin because I felt our son needed his mother. He still walks around arrogant as if I’m using him for his millions. Puh! Bwahahahaha!! Yeh, okay… He needs to go back and check his bank account (which I already did) and it only had $60 in it.

Today in a heated argument which was supposed to be about our son’s destructive behavior at school that could possibly lead to felony charges, he brings up the funkiest notion that he’s been giving me a “free ride” and how he’s tired of it. O.. Kay… now what is that supposed to mean?? Wives aren’t given “free rides.” Wives are considered loving partners and everything is equal.

Anyway, everything I ever did for him just wasn’t good enough. He was very particular about how the laundry had to be done so I did it to his preference. I wasn’t a very good cook, in fact, I detest cooking, but I did it anyway because it was “my job” to have a hot meal for him when he got home. I’d buy him things that I thought he’d appreciate and love and he’d complain about every one of them. Not only did I never hear the words “thank you babe”, but I was made to feel like whatever I bought him just was not good enough. Either in quality, length, style, color, etc. Here’s the kicker though, I don’t work right, but the money I did have, I either saved up or had to use his, and he would throw it in my face saying that it didn’t count because I used “his money.”

When it came to our son, I did however, go above and beyond. I taught him how to ride his bike, I taught him how to tie his shoes, I taught him how to read, I bought him toys which I felt would develop his brain. I’d spend a lot of time with our son. I wanted to give him the time and attention that my mom NEVER gave to me. As soon as he’d get home from school I’d get him started on his homework and etc. I’d take him to the library and then make him read to me. I should have recognized my husband’s dysfunction when he would get jealous of all of all of the attention and care I was giving to our son. I was there for our son when he wasn’t. You’d think a husband would appreciate that. But instead he did everything he could to UNDO everything I did with our son and proudly taking credit for it. It was like it was intentional. He wanted our son to love him more than me, and that’s NOT RIGHT. Everything became a competition when it came to our son. I soon felt like I defeated and that I wasn’t good enough to hold on and keep my son’s love.

Anyway, back to my other examples.

I was forced into being responsible for two dogs, which I originally never wanted or even given a choice to have. They stayed out in the old chicken coup out back when we lived in the country and I was the fool that was made to go out and scoop up dog shit everyday so their fenced in area wouldn’t get too filthy for them to even run around in. My son didn’t and wasn’t going to do it, so it was also a part of “my job” to. If that wasn’t done right or if I didn’t get all of the dog shit picked up and my husband went out there to check my work after he got off work, he’d make me feel terrible for it. But it was the way he’d act that would make me feel shameful. The way he shook his head like, as if he could have done better or as if to say, that I couldn’t do anything right.

Then there were his many other pet interests. The Bearded Dragon, the exotic fish aquariums, a few other rodents I can’t think of right now. The point is, I was responsible for them and if something went wrong or I did something wrong, I was made to feel so worthless about it. It got to the point where when I’d hear his car pull up, my heart would start pounding. I’d run around checking to make sure things had gotten done or at least “looked” like they had.

Cooking dinners for him made me into a total wreck as well! It’s bad enough with my ADD, that I have terrible organizational skills, imagine what it was like for me in the kitchen. I was running around with a cookbook in one hand, in circles and still never had it done on time. Which (and this is the kicker) had to be ready and at the table when he put his lunch pale on the refrigerator and he sat down at the table himself. If “supper” wasn’t ready yet, he’d sit there and watch me scramble around until it was. Bitching about how I had plenty of time to have gotten it prepared. Then as he was eating it, I’d sit and wait for him to tell me if it tasted good. And when he didn’t, I’d ask and he get angry and say, “I’m eating it, ain’t I?” or he’d say, “It’s alright,” as if it could have been better. I would watch him chew on the food as if he were biting off and chewing on rubber. Hahaha!

I’m tell’in ya, if this is what wife-ing is normally about for other women as well, then I fucking quit and don’t ever want this type of “job” ever again!!!

Being a wife means being somebody’s slave…

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I will not take the blame for this….

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So this is what could potentially become of being raised by a narcissistic father or mother. But in my case my husband the narcissist. The person who thinks he’s a Mr. Know It All, and raises a teen boy to believe the same, who refuses to listen to me, refuses to listen to trained psychologists, trained counselors and even the teachers that work with our son on a day to day basis who practically predicted warned us that if we did not do something about our sons behavior he could end up in a heap of trouble.

Having lived with a person who refuses to see the most obvious signs and steadfastly and ignorantly ignores all of them, not only caused stress on me, but on our son, who if he had had proper guidance and dual support from the both of us, would most likely not be going through this.

Whelp, you know what? It’s too late now. My fucking son got suspended today. And just two days after his 16th birthday. Yep, I was called two hours ago by the principle reporting that my son had leaned over a balcony and was dared to spit on a police officer. AND HE DID!!! The principle told me that not only was that a Class 3 felony charge for assaulting a cop, but also a top level offense for my son to be kicked out of the community highschool and be sent to a charter school.

Well, after calling my husband at work and telling him this upsetting news, he surprisingly rushed home from work, but NOT to discuss our son. (it was to watch his tv recordings) Instead we get in a fight NOT over our sons getting in major trouble BUT instead over a smirk that I made when I asked if all of this would affect his playing football anymore. Which the answer, of course, was yes. (I didn’t want him to play anyway)

So, like always, the focus was on me not being a good wife because I didn’t want to have sex with him. WTF!? WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING ABOUT OUR SON, NOT US!! Fucking dumbass!!

Now what kind of messed up shit is thaaaaaaaaaaat!!????!! :?😠😠😠😠

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The SIGNS I just could not put my finger on Part III

MARRIED TO A NARCISSIST

12. You constantly feel like you’re walking on eggshells

One of the most frequent complaints, when you’re married to a narcissist is the feeling of walking on eggshells. Anything you say or do could start a fight or be taken as an insult. Anything you don’t say could be taken the same way, so time spent together is constantly anxiety inducing for the partner of a narcissist. You feel as though you might be attacked at any moment with accusations of how you haven’t met their expectations or have disappointed them in some way. Common “communications” include the use of aggression to express anger and rage, which may also show up as physical abuse at the extreme end.

I can’t ask him a question in a certain type of tone. I can’t respond in a certain tone. I can’t leave the house because I fear he thinks I am cheating on him (he’s already accused me of f*ing around with someone living in our apartment community). I can’t talk on the phone when he’s present. I can’t text anyone for fear he will think I am texting a guy. I can’t go into my son’s room because he gets jealous of our close relationship. I’m afraid to drive our only shared vehicle because he keeps track f the mileage.

In her description above she mentions aggression. Well, my narcissist most definitely has passive aggression issues. He’s very very spiteful. He plays mind games like some teenage girl. if he “thinks” I’ve done something to him, he’ll do something on return to me. I mean, what grown, normal mature man does that!! For example, (and he may have already done this), he would go out and cheat on me just because he “thought” I cheated on him!! Our teenage son will make a mess in the kitchen, leaving dirty dishes everywhere and instead of telling him to be responsible and clean it up himself, my narcissist will let it sit there for days until I eventually go crazy and finally do it myself. Who knows, maybe because he “thought” I left them there. But why would I? Or our son will go into our clothes closet searching through our dirty basket for something he left in there, and he will leave the basket of clothes sprawled out all over the closet floor. My narcissist will walk around it all damn day without bothering to pick it up just because he “thought” I did it. I mean, COME ON, GROW UP!!!

I have gotten to the point of not accepting ANY emotion from him as genuine. Rage or “happiness”. I don’t relax in his presence because he could change on a whim.

I don’t have this problem because my narcissist never smiles unless our son walks into the room. As far as genuine emotions go, all I know is he speaks with the most polite and respectful tone of voice with everyone else on the phone and in person BUT me. Now that’s hurtful. When I call him on it I’m either lying, hearing things, eavesdropping, or it’s because they speak to him with respect but I don’t, therefore I don’t deserve any in return.

13. Your partner is obsessed with control

Narcissists expect that they are the center of the universe and so should be able to control the outcome of any situation. They expect to have people respond exactly as they want.

This controlling may also show up in your finances. Having a partner who manages your joint finances, tells you how things are financially and shares access your joint funds is a common relationship scenario. However, you’ll notice that when you’re married to a narcissist, he may insist on controlling all the finances without letting you have access to them, may not communicate where the money is going, and might fly into a rage if you spend even $5 more than you/he expected. This behavior is considered financial abuse and is another form of domestic violence. He uses your lack of available funds to further trap you in the relationship.

I don’t have any. The one area in which I wish I had full  control of is with our son. But because of my narcissists lack of concern and understanding, my worries about our son’s academics, in home discipline, his behavioral issues in and out of school, and his future I fear the worst. I can’t help it. Especially when the psychologists, school counselors, principals and everyone else says I should be. Our son will probably end up in juvenile hall. I hate to say it, but I am thinking realistically. I’m scared because my husband is not stepping up to the plate and helping me. I feel like a single parent that’s losing the battle.

We (HE) has made many financial mistakes because he refused to listen to me. We have lost two homes (which he gladly accused me of) we have had to file for two bankruptcies (which I didn’t want to, but I wasn’t given a choice), he has failed to prepare for his jobs PLANT shutdowns (he builds car seats) and we have almost gone broke because we had no savings put aside for electric, phone, water bills or even groceries, and the list goes on and on. BUT WILL HE LISTEN TO ME? NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

14. Your partner never hesitates to confront you or others in social situations where he feels he has been wronged

The narcissist’s first response is to confront, attack, blame and criticize. They never take any real responsibility for their actions or complaints you may have against them, instead turning the criticism back on you and making you the source of the problem, i.e. I only do this because you do that or that’s nothing compared to this bad thing YOU have done.

Now that I know his pattern and can see his behavior objectively (part of the time) it’s almost comical the lengths he will go to in his temper tantrums, and the horrible self-centered things that come out of his mouth. I believe narcs are never more of who they truly are than when they are in the grip of their rage. Pay attention to what they say in the heat of anger, it’s probably the most honest they will ever be with you.

One again, she is correct. Especially the “I only do this because you do that” Which is a lie because he always “thinks” I’m doing something when I’m not. I ‘m a grown woman, I don’t have time for immature childish games.  Speaking of childish, in the heat of anger he will literally mock every word I say as if he were a little child. e.g., If I say “You need to grow up.” He will repeat it right back but in a child’s voice. If I say, “Do you realize how immature you’re behaving right now?” He will repeat it back but in a child’s voice. At this point, I can’t help but laugh out loud and when I do, he gets furious! Like a child.

15. Your partner is unable to feel empathy for you and has great difficulty appreciating the feelings and needs of others

While being married to a narcissist, I have repeatedly been shocked and disgusted by the comments he makes in passing concerning other people who have had something bad happen to them or have made a bad choice. He constantly puts down “fat” (anyone over the ideal weight) people, “dumb” people, and anyone who attracts his attention for being “less” than himself. Watching the news is usually pretty disgusting, because of his comments. He has NO ability to even slightly imagine how he might feel in that situation. There is NO empathy for anyone, strangers, family, spouse, or children. I often have to try and make him stop with the children as he is punishing them for having feelings he doesn’t agree with. Yelling at your kid for crying does not help the problem!

In your relationship, you may feel like discussions are all about your partner’s feelings, but very little, if any, acknowledgment is made of your feelings. You may frequently be left feeling frustrated and misunderstood by your partner and that your needs have not been taken into account. (I spent many years thinking if I could just get him to understand how he was making me feel, he would stop. There were many wasted tears trying to talk to him about how he was hurting me, and many nights going to bed so confused because my attempts to talk turned into a huge fight and an inquisition of all the things I was doing that “hurt” him). You’ve probably also spent a lot of time trying to calm and acknowledge your partner’s feelings and make sure their needs are met.

16. Everything depends on them

When you’re married to a narcissist, you cannot make plans unless he wants to, you cannot hang out with your friends unless he is okay with it, and basically everything you do depends on his opinion of it. One of the biggest signs you’re with a narcissist is if everything in your relationship depends on him and his opinion of things. Look at your relationship objectively and see if you are allowed to take the lead on anything, or if it all is reliant on his opinions. If he gives you a hard time or the cold shoulder for having a girls night (or if you have stopped having them altogether because it’s simpler to just stay home), if you can’t make any plans without checking to see if he wants to, if he puts off, stalls, or makes you late to events you want to participate in, you may have a narcissist on your hands.

I’m afraid to have friends because he will get mad. Just like she explained above. “If he gives you a hard time or the cold shoulder for having a girls night or if you have stopped having them altogether because it’s simpler to just stay home.”

17. Constantly Needs Your Attention

Narcs believe the world is all about them, your world especially should put his needs first.  Having a headache will not be an acceptable “get out of sex” card, and no matter how busy you are, you should be sure to get his laundry, ironing, lunch, whatever, all ready for him.

I was made to feel guilty if I didn’t prepare his lunch the night before. He was always throwing it in my face how he was the provider. His sandwich had to be made and wrapped a certain way too. If I was late making it or forgot to and he woke up the next morning and it wasn’t made, I’d hear it! The laundry and the dishes had to be done a certain way too. I was not  allowed t to leave the dishes dirty overnight. I had to fold his socks and underwear a certain way as well.

18. He Puts Himself First

When you’re married to a narcissist, he will put himself first and those he respects before any of your needs, before any financial obligations or work requirements. Before any saving or preparing for your future or getting out of debt. His need’s, his wants, and his image to uphold in front of others are his first priorities and everything else comes second. He will spend money on things for himself and not pay the electric bill. He believes he is more important than you, and that he deserves to treat himself because he works “so hard” for his money. Any money you contribute to the family will also be considered his. Any needs you have that you bring to his attention, he will ignore, blow off, and/or be annoyed by. When they come and turn off the water, gas, or cable because he hasn’t paid the bill, he will be annoyed that they could do something like that, not upset that you’re now without water or heat until he pays the bill.

MY narcissist put everyone else needs before me. He wouldn’t go as far as being vain. Although he never bought himself any new clothes or shoes he would spend it on his expensive hobbies. The money he made would burn a whole in his pocket and we’d be living week to week. Personally I thought, we should have been saving money, putting some aside for a rainy day or maybe even go on a vacation since we’ve never gone. He put us at risk of losing our house because he’d rather spend $1000 to get our 8-year-old Christmas presents. His excuse was that he didn’t want to see our son go without. I believe our son would have been alright. Life goes on without expensive gifts for Christmas. It’s not like it would have left him damaged or traumatized. If I was working a full-time job and his job had an immediate shift change from third to first shift, and we didn’t have childcare for our son, I was forced to quit my job no matter what. His response wasn’t one of empathy or even us sitting down to work something out. His response was always “Well, sorry!” He didn’t care. He was selfish. It didn’t matter to him. And I just wanted to slap his insensitive face so badly.

19. You feel as though there is a dark cloud in your home.

This is probably number one for me. As an empath, I tend to pick up on others feelings. I can’t even put a solid name to it, but it feels as though there is a darkness in my home when he is here. Any time I did/do something he doesn’t particularly like, it grows and takes over the entire atmosphere of the house. The disapproval is almost tangible, even when he says nothing. There is never acceptance or intimacy here.

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The SIGNS I just could not put my finger on Part II

MARRIED TO A NARCISSIST

5. He doesn’t care about your feelings, thoughts or ideas.

Anything you say in relation to yourself will be dismissed, ignored, or made fun of. Your thoughts, opinions, and beliefs are all irrelevant to him, as he sees himself as the final word on you and your life. Your life is there to revolve around him. His attitude is “What I want, feel, think or believe is all that matters, so I don’t bother taking seriously what you say, especially when it differs from my thoughts or preferences.” This attitude can be so extreme he may not even later recall you ever said anything at all.

This is VERY true. My narcissist hates it when I am right about anything and he will do his best to make sure that I think that I am wrong (even though he knows I am right). I could offer up a suggestion or idea or a way to do something and he will immediately criticize it, or make me feel stupid for the way I choose to do it. I’ll admit that I tend to make things more difficult than they need to be, but it’s still my concept and idea, but he will never give me credit for it. I can be doing something my way, and he will come along and say “Why are you doing it like that?” This is when I get angry.

Sometimes I think that he is just jealous of the way I do things. A lot of the times I will see him doing something that I feel could be done much simpler and he WILL NOT, for the life of me, take my suggestions. He refuses to admit when I’m right and he refuses to think that my idea could possibly be any better than his. But when his idea doesn’t work, I just shake my head and smirk, calling him a dumbass in my thoughts.

When you’re married to a narcissist, everything is about him, his wants, needs, and desires. Everything will be planned according to his schedule and wishes. If he doesn’t want to go out that night, you won’t, if he does, you will. And if you don’t want to go, he will go without you and later start a big fight about it.

All my narcissist wants and cares about his for me to shut up, give him sex and cook his meals. He doesn’t go anywhere, he doesn’t do anything, he has no friends. He’s a homebody. All he does (lately) is, wake up at 5:00 pm sits and watches his pre-recorded redneck reality tv shows until he goes back into work at 9:00 pm. AND THIS ENTIRE TIME, HE BARELY SPEAKS TWO WORDS TO ME. He is the most boring man I have even known. When we first got married and he first got this job that he has had now for 13 years, we had nothing to talk about. The only question I could rely on an answer to was, “So did anybody die today at work?” The reason why I asked because he would always come home and tell me about how someone had suffered a heart attack, died on a motorcycle, or some guys wife had passed away.No lie, other than that, he had nothing else to talk to me about. I’ve never been asked how my day was unless it was in a suspicious “tone”.

Conversations will be about him, about his day, his work, his hobbies, his friends. If you try to interject about your own life, he will make that about him as well, by giving you advice on how you should have behaved in a situation (even if there were no problems) or by mocking or dismissing the events. Pretty soon you will stop telling him about yourself because the conversations go so poorly. It’s easier to keep the conversations about him.

My narcissist doesn’t like me asking him questions and if I do I get short and sweet condescending replies. He just wants me to leave him alone to watch his shows. He’s an asshole to me.

I barely tell him anything now about my day. Just general stuff so he doesn’t feel I’m hiding anything. Over the years, before I really understood what was going on in my marriage, I tried to communicate more, remember stories of my day, etc. because he always told me I didn’t talk to him. Last time I tried to talk to him about my day, he picked up his phone and started playing on Facebook and TOTALLY IGNORED me. I know better than to tell him anything important to me now. In fact, I tend to put off asking him for anything as I know he will try and sabotage “helping me out” if I give him too much time.

All my narcissist does is flick on the television, pull out his phone and get on Facebook and totally ignore me as well. I have given up sharing myself with someone acts like they don’t care. It’s hurtful enough just being in his presence.It’s hurtful enough when he will acknowledge our dog and our son before or not even at all bat an eye at me.

Narcissists feel that they are special and above others, so rules don’t apply to them. Standard social graces are optional, and he is entitled to judge everyone else on how they live. Even, or maybe especially, expectations of the relationship by a partner are dismissed and the relationship becomes molded to the narcissist’s needs and desires, with the needs and desires of the partner being completely ignored. However, for himself, he is allowed anything his heart desires and expects to be treated like a king with no consequences.

This is very true as well. It’s ok for my narcissist to treat me unkind, ignore me in every way possible, not acknowledge me, call me degrading names, speak to me disrespectfully, raise his voice at me, and not treat me the way I deserve to be treated, which is like a queen. BUT I  DO NOT DARE do it to him! Because for some reason when he is called on it, he has no idea what I am talking about. I’m a liar and I am CRAZY, he says.

8. He doesn’t want to hear about your issues

A narcissist will get upset or irritated if you start talking to them about your issues or concerns, especially if your concerns are over their behavior. Do not expect to be able to have a “talk” with a narcissist if there is something bothering you about your relationship. Anything you say will be taken as a personal attack and they will fight you aggressively over it. Indeed, you may end up apologizing when, in fact, he was the one out of line.

Yep, my narcissist is just like hers. He’s rude and insensitive. I have been trying for years to tell him how I feel about our marriage, I try to tell him what my worries are, what I’m going through, my depression, how we should discuss our son and his problems he has in school. But THIS is the MOST HURTFUL reaction, he will walk out of the room or throw his right hand up with the motion to shew me away and he will say, “I’m not gonna argue with you!” First off, who says this is going to turn into an argument? I just wanted to talk, discuss or even, ya know, do what the normal couple would do which is COMMUNICATE! I’m lonely and starving for conversation!!

What kind of wife would want to make love to someone like that????

Even if they don’t take it personally, narcs have no ability to empathize with another person and so cannot understand why you’re upset. They will likely ignore your feelings since it has nothing to do with them and you will end up hurt twice and confused as to why your partner has emotionally abandoned you.

I don’t ever think I will ever get used to being ignored or not being understood by him. It’s like he’s cold and heartless.

9. When you guys argue, it’s always your fault

No matter what he has done, it comes back to being your fault. He will never admit blame or accept responsibility for his actions or the pain he has inflicted on you. BUT, you must apologize for distressing him even in the slightest of ways. He is quick to blame you for any foul mood or upset he may encounter. I can probably count on two hands the number of times the words I’m sorry have crossed his lips in the last 15 years of our relationship. And none of those were genuine apologies, it was just another attempt to mollify and control me.

10. If he’s angry, it’s also your fault

This is a common tactic of abusers, “You made me mad. I’m only mad because you … !” He accepts NO responsibility for controlling his own temper or actions taken when angry, In fact, he blames the whole thing on you and the way you made him feel.

11. Narcissists need to put you down to build themselves up.

When you are married to a narcissist (or dating), they will not treat you like an equal partner. In fact, that is the opposite of what they want. What they really want is someone to control, an object, not a human with emotions and feelings. They won’t like it if you’re not performing (bringing in enough income, taking care of the house and/or children up to their standards, or generally not living up to whatever productive role they have assigned to you in their life), but they will hate it even more if you’re better than them.

OMG! THIS EXPLANATION THIS IS SPOT ON!!!

Narc’s are extremely competitive and need to be the best at whatever they do. They will make you feel like you’re a child and they the parent in whatever you’re doing, even if you really do know more than they do on the subject or are indeed better at it than they are. They are extremely arrogant and cannot admit to not being the best at something.

Anything you accomplish will be diminished or ignored, and anything he accomplishes will be praised and talked about FOREVER. Especially in situations where you are actually more proficient than he is.

THIS EXPLANATION IS ON POINT! This is what I meant earlier when I said I thought that he was jealous of me. If anything, I’m the one dumbing myself down for him. I’m the college-educated one while he’s the one who comes from a small white hick town where everyone’s teeth are so rotted down no one has any. My narcissist grammar is so terrible I clench my fists together every time he uses this one particular word in the wrong way. Here’s an example sentence used correctly.
“Open the window so the cool breeze can come in.” Now here is the same sentence, but how  he would say it.
“Open the window for the cool breeze can come in.” Which one sounds correct to you?

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The pot calling the kettle black

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I’m beginning to notice (and I’m sure it’s probably even a fact) that a narcissist will accuse another narcissist of being a narcissist. So perhaps, possibly, maybe and it’s conceivable that I could be a narcissist as well.

I came upon a mutual male “victim” this weekend, who had educated himself on narcissism just to accuse his now ex-girlfriend of being a crazed narcissist. But when he asked my opinion on how he looked and I simply replied like any woman would say which was, you’re not bad looking, because of his insecurity he accused me of lying. So the next 20 minutes were about me hurting his feeling and I swear to God I hadn’t.
So the next morning I text him and told him how I felt about his accusations (which was reacting to me as if he would react to his ex-girlfriend)</em) And do you know he replied back saying “You’re entitled to your opinion.” and he left it like that. I didn’t even bother to respond. And the reason why I didn’t was because his response was basically the same as saying “whatever.” When the normal person would have been more understanding and saw it from my point of view…
Then he had the audacity to post passive aggressive quotes about me on Google + for the rest of the day.
Now ain’t that some shit!? 😕
Anyway, today I will sit back and write a list or even observe how I react, respond or my own behavior when I’m around my own narcissist  for a change…
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Mister Roger’s Victimhood

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Welcome to Wisteria Lane. LOL!! Looks comfy and cozzzy right. Who’d want to leave the luxury of this domain? They’d have to be CRAZY!!! We wives of narcissists have all too well become too comfortable living in this “neighborhood” which, for all intensive purposes, we’ll go ahead and call it by it’s true name, Victimhood.

I’m guilty of it. A stranger whom I met over the internet (a man) which I had only been communicating with for maybe less than a week, I had told him about my situation with my husband. I never lie when I attempt to make an emotional connection with another man. I tell them the truth. I mean, they’re going to find out eventually anyway, right?

But back to my point. I had only been speaking to this person for a short while. He was a very intellectual man. He listened intently to me. I like that in a man. He listened so well that he was able to pretty much diagnose why I was still here when he kept asking me why I wouldn’t leave and I had no direct clear answer for him. So one night I typed out a very long explanation why I hadn’t and what I wanted to happen next in my life.  That evening he texted me back with his deep analyzation below…

I hadn’t even realized how comfortable I had become in the abusive marriage REGARDLESS of how badly I was being treated. I was too comfortable in this Victimhood. I wanted out of it, yet I felt safer in it. I was trapped in a dangerous comfort zone. At the time, I’d forgotten that in order to change my comfort zone, I needed to leave it.

So what if your narcissist knew you like the back of his own hand, and you were afraid to start a new relationship all over again, so what if he made great money, so what if you had a huge house and to leave it and go live someplace else less desiring, so what if every time he treated you like shit, he’d go and buy you a diamond bracelet or take you out to an expensive restaurant, so what if he had great insurance and without it, you wouldn’t be able to get the medical care you needed, so what if you drove the latest years Lexus and soon you’d be driving a hoopty. Whatever it is, your narcissist will convince you that you’ll never have anything BETTER than what you have now. And you’ll believe it. But, just read the conversation I had with this other person that enlightened me and made me realize one of the reasons why I was afraid to leave…

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Why does this blessing make me feel so empty?

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I don’t like the fact that I’m so aware because I’m aware that I’m aware. I’m so aware that it picks at my brain and forms a scab that I refuse to let heal, all the while people keep telling me to leave it alone.
I can’t turn my brain off. Ever. I wish I could. I wish I could go numb. Numb to people’s insensitivities, numb to people’s disrespect, numb to people’s unkind and unthoughtful words.

It’s easy for someone to tell another person not to let something get to them and that it was no big deal to begin with. But you know what, it’s not, for me. I’m too aware of how I’m being treated and mistreated. And no, I will not, just blow it off like it were nothing.

For example me noticing a white older woman get on the city bus in Austin. She has a choice to sit in between three black males in a four seat chair or to stand holding on to a ceiling rail on a fully packed bus…

Guess what she chose to do. Guess who noticed it. Guess who it bothered the most? Why? I don’t know. It just did…

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Their Vampires

How could I ever have thought this was normal?! To have everything that’s me taken away, to be denied even the smallest voice, to feel unimportant and placed on the bottom of the totum pole, have my feelings disregarded and to be ignored until I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Ask me what I do for fun, and I can’t tell you. I don’t have fun, I have moments of peace, that about all I get. It breaks my heart to say that, but that’s what happens when your with a Narcissist. They’re Vampires, they suck all the YOU out of you and try and re-fill you with they’re own version of what they think they want. And after this horrible attack on your “self”, this denial of all that you are, after you have tried to become who they need… Turns out, they were wrong, and this person they wanted to create isn’t what they were getting after all, and then they HATE you for it.
My husband grew up in an environment where the head of the household (which was not his father, but his father’s brother inlaw) had the last day in everything and what he said, went. His word was the final word, no matter what.
His uncle’s wife was literally a slave. She was a stay at home mom that not only cooked and cleaned but she was given a lot of responsibilities that were more than she could handle for one person. Therefore she got taken advantage of big time! Sad thing is, she just excepted it.
She wasn’t allowed to have a voice, to bitch or complain. She wasn’t even allowed to say no to her husband and she felt saying no to anyone else would cause a ripple and make her husband angry. So she was the doormat of the family. Everyone knew that any favor they needed or any manipulation they put on her, she just wouldn’t say no. She was always exhausted and I felt terrible for her.
Up until 2009 when we had no choice but to live with his father, his father’s sister and her husband, I’d never realized who Ron was trying to turn me into. He was trying to break me and was trying to mold me into his aunt who did everything told of her. I wasn’t allowed to ask why, I was supposed to accept any treatment I got from him, I was made to feel like I was obligated to do everything, but most importantly to him sex.
I know that people who love each other make love. But when a woman is used and emotionally abused on a daily bases, sexual obligation goes out the window for me. I don’t care what anyone else says or thinks regarding this matter, a woman needs to feel loved, she needs to be shown love, she needs to be told she is loved, she needs to be respected, she needs to feel appreciated, she needs to know that all of her efforts aren’t taken for granted. When a woman has sacrificed her life to raise his kids, when every effort she puts forth is gone noticed, when her contributions to the family are told that their not significant, when the ONLY daily communication is a demand or a deligation instead of an appreciated request. To me, showing the opposite of all of these things is NOT love. And a narcissist can not tell me different.

I’ll tell you what you want to hear………(for now). Gaslighting

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After a fight about me wanting to use the car to run errands this morning, I decided to write my husband a “SPEAK MY MIND” or STAND UP FOR MYSELF, email. It infuriates him when I speak my mind. Since speaking to him in person is not only intimidating but next to impossible. So today’s featured post is an example of GASLIGHTING.

9-03-2015

I want to remind you that although you can trash, delete, ignore, not read, disregard, etc. That every email, text, letter, and whatever is being documented under, My Every Attempt to Try to Reason with Ron, file. So go ahead and do whatever you choose to do with them, but I keep everything. I’m not being stupid this time.

Remember when we first moved here and I made a list of all of your behaviors that made me feel cornered in this marriage and that the way I was feeling and the way that you were treating me wasn’t normal? You actually made me believe that all of the things that I was accusing you, was made up and  that it was “all in my head,”  (as you like to call it).

One of the things on the list was how you made me feel like I couldn’t go anywhere in the car and how I felt trapped when we lived in Carrolton, without a reliable vehicle.  You said that you didn’t understand why I felt like that and that all I had to do was ask you if I needed the car. Which in all essence, I shouldn’t have to ask, you should be asking me if I needed the car for anything that day as would a loving caring husband would do anyway.

Anyway, on the day I read my list to you, you said you didn’t mind if I used the car just as long as it wasn’t too  far a distance and that if I was going to do anything like that, I’d have to buy my own gas. I told you that I could understand that. However, if I did choose to go over 30 miles, it would be suspiciously questioned anyway. (So I guess 25 miles there and back is too far, huh?) And because you said that I was over exaggerating my doubts you letting me use the car, I sat there thinking, maybe it was all in my head and why was I making a big deal about his tiny issue?

Well, you didn’t seem to mind me driving the car for a few weeks after that (even though I really didn’t go anywhere) THEN for some reason (I don’t know, maybe I pissed you off for speaking my mind for calling you out on something that you’re in denial of) it seemed like me driving the car at all, started bothering you again. AND ALL YOU’VE DONE SINCE THEN IS GIVIN  ME SHIT ABOUT IT.

You claimed that it was because of the gas, which I understood completely, so I backed off from using it as much. Then when I did need to use it, it was like I had to have a reason and that reason HAD to be written on the calendar AND I had to have permission for which, of course, you’d get a pissy attitude and ask “Whuy?” (how he pronounces the word why)  It was like you preferred me being stuck in the house all day going stir crazy. It’s gotten to the point where I am literally afraid to even ask you to use that car. Was that what you wanted? Because if it was, it worked. I know one thing is for sure, normal men don’t just put their women out there like that. It’s not normal and it’s not right.

I can’t make new friends. I can’t tell you that I am interested in getting a job, I can’t tell you that I’m interested in joining some groups to make new friends (because I’m lonely sitting here alone with no one, NOT EVEN YOU, to talk to) I can’t tell you anything, which is more than I can say for you because you don’t even have the common courtesy to tell me anything at all. Your insecurities will always get the best of you. I can’t tell you anything, without immediately seeing a facial expression and/or  body language, which shows me that you disapprove. Actions speak louder than words, and YOU, Ron, can’t conceal how you feel. Especially about me.

Making me afraid to ask you for things. You know we only have one car. Why would any man do that to his woman? There is no excuse other than abuse. You’re a dick and you enjoy it. You’re so programmed to treat me this way that you don’t even realize that you do, which is why you believe I’m lying all of the time.

You know we have to share a car! Yet I have to ask to use it? I have to ask you to do a lot of things. So what I’m saying is, you lied to me. You told me what I wanted and needed to hear and it worked. But for not very long, I just kept my mouth shut because it didn’t matter to you anyway. Just like this email won’t either.

This side of you, the angry, mean side of you is the person that scares me. This side of you is why I left back in 2011. You keep trying to put it back onto me and make me think that it’s all in my head and that I am the problem, but it’s not me, it’s you and you’re the one in denial. Nothing you can say to me in a rage will ever convince me that I do anything wrong in this marriage. I am a woman who has been demanding respect for years and have been beaten down (not physically) by you for even trying. You can’t even tell me what it is that you claim that I do to you that makes you angry. Because (in your head) everything I do anyway, no matter what it is, makes you angry. You want me to guess as if I can read your mind, or as if I’m telepathic, or as if I’m aware of my actions. Well, I’m not. I’m not spiteful like you Ron. A person NEEDS to be told what it is that they are doing  to upset the other. It’s called communication and I should not expect to GUESS. I make the best effort that I can communicate with you, but you won’t allow me to (NOT FACE TO FACE, ANYWAY). You won’t allow me to speak my mind. And when I finally do, yes it will come out like this. It will sound like I’m being a bitch. Well, what do you expect?????  You don’t listen to me anyway! You call me a liar, but the only reason why you call me that is because you can’t handle the truth. I’m not crazy. As a matter of fact, I’m a very wise person. Wiser than you’ll ever give me credit for.

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