All hail the “All Knowing Ignorant”

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Beside the fact that my narcissist thinks he can do no wrong, he’s the most ignorant person that I’ve ever met. But he still managed to criticize my parenting and make me feel inadequate at doing so.

When I was growing up I had to learn to take care of myself, to be mature and responsible. Not because my mum intentionally raised me that way, but because I had no choice to. And I guess I can say Thank you, mum.

Raising my son this way was exactly what I had planned on doing, except it WAS going to be intentional because I wanted him to be self sufficient. Some would say my justification for being a stay at home mother was a bad one, but I can confidently say that my son learned to spell, learned to read, learned to speak Spanish, learned to ride a bike, learned to tie his shoes, learned to use his imagination by building blocks, learned gymnastics and much, much more and was all by MY doing. NOT his father’s. His father would come home, demand his meal, recline in his chair and watch television till he fell asleep.

I wasn’t a spoiled child. Trust me, not even close. As a matter of fact we were very poor, but I learned that “You get what you get and you don’t have a fit.” This applied to Christmas, birthdays, school clothes, living and housing. I guess you could say I learned to be thankful for what I got. :). And I tried really hard to instill in our son the same virtues but my narc husband just didn’t see it that way. His words exactly were, “I’m not letting him go without.” Even if that meant sacrificing an electric bill payment putting his family at risk for no electricity (which actually did happen) for him. Which I believe is the stupidest choice I’ve ever known a person to make. (Now our son is ungrateful, not thankful for anything and spoiled rotten) He could care less if the electric bill gets paid because it’s all about him, him, him. And it doesn’t matter what say to either of them.

Anyway, as our son grew up I never got credit for anything that our son learned or knew. My husband gladly took it all. As a matter of fact my husband has never expressed gratitude or gave me props for being a “good mother” therefore I always felt inadequate.

Although I felt it was my place to take on the roles of mother and father, instilling morals, virtues, teaching my son to be responsible by cleaning up after himself, doing his own dishes, making his own sack lunches or at least a basic sandwich, teaching him to put a load of laundry in the wash, teaching him to use the microwave, fold clothes, hang his own clothes, doing chores, taking care of the dogs, etc. My narc enabled and coddled our son so bad that he can barely do a damn thing now and he’s 16 years old!! He’d rather have someone else do it for him. And if your gullible enough to do it, he’d let you. That’s exactly what his father does. HE’S AN ENABLER and there’s is nothing that anyone can say or do to make him believe that this is the most unhealthy upbringing you can do to a child or teenager. I refuse to be a slave to either of them. If you’re able to physically do it yourself, then do it. Don’t sit and expect someone to do it for you. That’s just my opinion.

As my son approached his teens and began to get more difficult to handle I needed support, which I never got from my husband. So I turned to the world wide web. Sites like forums for moms, psychology.com, etc. I needed anything that would answer the questions which my husband would make me question myself about. Questions like,
1. What age should kids start chores?? Chores which my husband NEVER made or enforced in him to do.
2. How to recognize ADD
3. Are video games harmful to children?
4. Raising an interracial child
and etc.
Then as my son turned eleven I was Googling
1. My child is addicted to porn
2. My husband let’s my son watch R-rated movies with sex in them
3. What to do if your child is violent
4. Causes of certain behaviors
and etc.

So I was constantly educating and making myself aware of things my son did and what I needed to do to help us. I’d even speak to my sons teachers, counselors, even my own psychiciatrist! Who all gave me great advice and suggestions. BUT All Hail the all Knowing Ignorant wouldn’t believe me, he wouldn’t believe them, wouldn’t believe anyone! “Father knows best” even if he really didn’t. You can’t take risks when raising a child, a preteen, most importantly, a teenager. You must make smart decisions and choices for them, not stupid ones! These times are important and detrimental. And my narcs fucked it up!

Which is why I attribute a lot of what is wrong with our son today to the fact that his father is a narcissistic ignoramous!!

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You just don’t know!

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And you just don’t know how people telling me that:
1. “everything’s gonna be ok…”
2. “eventually this…”
3. “maybe that…”
4. “try to be more positive…”
5. “if you be more optimistic…”
6. “have you tried this-that? …”
7. “have ya’ll thought about counceling?”
8. “you’re a strong woman..”
9. “maybe if you join a support group…”
AND THE ABSOLUTE WORST OF ALL
10. “have you prayed on it?”

Do you not understand how people telling and asking me these things gets really, really old? Do you not think I’ve tried every suggestion I’ve ever been given or every idea in the Book of Ultimate Solutions? Cause it sho ain’t the Bible. Been there, done that, got nutt’in!

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I Visited a Women’s Domestic Abuse Center…

Yesterday I had my first session with a Women’s Abuse Councelor and I’d need to pass on to you a reminder a few handouts I received. Let’s face the facts ladies and just stop pretending that were NOT being treated like shit by our Narcissistic husbands.
Instead of us trying to find ways to deal with them, or work out way around or avoiding his personality issues, we need to find ways to get the hell out before he distroys us!

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So last night…

I drifted off to sleep around 8 pm. I was so tired for some reason. Then at 9:30 pm I woke up because I remembered that I needed to take my dog out once more. I walked out into the living room where my narc husband was knocked out asleep on the recliner as usual and my son was mysteriously not there, which was unusual, because (ever since his being grounded for 30 days his father has been allowing him to watch television in the front room instead of holding steadfast to the disciplinary action which he never follows through on anyway) my son would still be sitting up watching television.

So I hear a noise coming from my sons dark room. The first thought I had was, why and how does he have an electronic device when he knows he’s grounded from them? So I peer in the room, surprised that he’d already went to bed that early. He never does that.

When I walked in the dark room I saw his lumped figure in the bed, check, that was good. But his clock alarm was set to a blaringly loud rain forest sound setting, which I didn’t mind the idea idea of ambient sounds to help him fall asleep, but when I noticed both his bedroom windows pushed all the way up, that was a big no, no. The reason why is because number one we live in an apartment and on the bottom floor facing an open field off highway and anyone could easily slash the screen open and climb in. Number two his father has repeatedly told him tons of times to stop leaving them open that wide. (And of course our son thinks he can do whatever he wants to do with no repercussions. And he can, because his father let’s him.) Anyway, setting them at a reasonable height wasn’t a worry, but all the way open was just asking to be robbed or murdered.

So I walk over to the alarm and attempt to shut it off or at least lower the volume, but I couldn’t remember how so I shook my sons leg and told him to at least lower the window a little. He told me NO and to GET OUT! I asked, “who do you think you are talking to me like that?” He said, “I don’t care who you are, get out!” I angrily put my body in a stance of Aww hail naw, no you didn’t just talk to me like that! Then he actually sat up in his bed and slowly told me once again to “GET… OUT…” As if to challenge or threaten me. I asked, “OR… WHAT… ??” Then he puts this little smartass smirk on his face as if to intimidate me.

I immediately swung around and walked out of his room and into the living room where his father was sleeping right there, and I’m pretty sure he could here all of this commotion, because the lights were out and the tv was off. He wasn’t even 30 feet away from our sons bedroom door! I angrily shook his leg to wake up. He popped open his eyes and said, “WHAT!?” in his asshole tone towards me, like he always does. First I told him that our sons ambient alarm was too loud and I wanted him to go in and shut it off. His reaction response was, “It’ll turn off by itself.” Then I told him, “but the windows are wide open”. He angrily responded, “then tell him to lower them!” Then I told him, “I did, but he told me NO!” My narc ass husband then took his hand and shewed me away, as if to say, get out of my face and then as usual he said, “I’m not gonna argue with you!” and he rolled over and away from me. I’m thinking to myself, who the hell’s arguing? This is where I decided to stand firm once again. So I calmly said him, “But he told me NO…”

Then finally after all of these years he said either the stupidest or the cruelest thing he could ever say to me and would finally sum up what I’d always thought he felt about me. He said, “Well what do you want me to do about it!? But he didn’t say it in a tone of kindly asking for a suggestion. He said it in a tone of, I don’t care, that’s your problem.

I swear I saw red. I snapped and loudly exclaimed, “It’s your job as a father that when a son says NO to his mother or disrespects her at all, you’re supposed to go in behind me and do something about it. Make him do what I told him to do!”

Then I walked away.

It’s like he either honestly doesn’t know what to do about it (which would be pathetically sad) or he just really doesn’t give a fuck. I mean it would answer my questions about why he let’s our 16 year old son practically run him, boss him around so much that at this point he’s uncontrollable (a monster he created himself) If he’s wondering why or how this all got out of hand he may as well claim responsibility for it. Because I’ve done all I could. I put my foot down in 2013 and insisted my husband help me pay to take our son to a psychologist who told us upfront that our son had an Oppositional Defiance Disorder with mild depression. Then I forced his hand again to take our son to a psychiatrist whom verified what I already knew which was that he had ADHD and she prescribed meds and wanted to see him on a regular basis. My narc convinced my son that he needed neither. Then I got my son on the waiting list to be put in a Children’s Behavioral Health Clinic and when I finally got the call two months later that our turn had came available, my husband told me to retract it, tell the woman not at this time, and he furiously accused me of having planned it all behind his back. I did but only because my sons teachers, principles and school counselors insisted and suggested that I do this.

The three major efforts listed above that I tried so hard to fix about my son, my husband sabotaged them all with a gavel slam and denial of all those outcomes, his final word was NO to all of them. No doctors, no meds, no psychiatrists and clearly no mother either…

My Narcs smear campaign Pt.II

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This is the continuation to the post earlier titled, He’s been running for President since 2005. I don’t know why I keep forgetting to follow up on posts which need explanations…

Anyway in 2012, seven years after he’s made that threat (and after 3 other attempts to leave him with the domestic abuse fact that the average times a victim of abuse leave their abuser being 6-8 times) I decided to wait for him to leave for work, pack up the old 1997 shitty broke down vehicle car he made drive and I left him for good. Or so I thought.

In the state where I reside the law states that once the child turns the age 11 or 12 he has the right to choose which parent he wants to live with. Days before my escape and the last day of school for my son I took him to his favorite food place, Subway. I sat him down as he ate and told him how unhappy was and had always been. I asked him if he would leave with me. I gave him a choice. And although my Narc had not only taught him to disrespect me as well, my Narc had spoiled him rotten by giving him anything he’d ask for. There were no rules and regulations placed in our home. There were no responsibilities taught, chores given or even any disciplinary actions taken for any bad behavior that our son did. Whenever I stepped in to make any I was made to look like the bad guy. The evil one. The “angry” mother with no patients. My son had began being violent towards me. Which my husband allowed. I was hurt. My feelings were constantly hurt. I would stay in the back bedroom and be ignored by the both of them and was expected to clean house, take care of our dogs, cook, run errands, grocery shop, pick our son up from school in a beat-up old car which had no air conditioning or heat in the winter or summer times. This entire time I was growing more depressed, reclusive and resentful towards the both of them. Everything I did or said to my son was undermined right down to him coming home and doing his homework. I was nothing. I wasn’t even allowed to be a mother to my son. I wasn’t allowed to voice my mind, I wasn’t allowed to say no. Not even to sex.

So after the chat with my son at Subway and me pleading with him to come with me, (I mean, had to get him away from this mad man) my son told me no. Of course, I knew why. Who’d want to leave a man who acted more like a brother than a father and spoiled him rotten.

So the very next day, after my husband went to work and while my son sat on the floor in his bedroom playing his “Call of Duty Game” video game ( with headset and mic, screaming, cursing violently at the online players) I packed up the crappy car and left. I’d had a plan. I always make a plan. Any plan is better than no plan.
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Long story short on that, I’d filed for divorce using the legal aid system when I’d gotten to where I was going. Then low and behold my Narc got his own lawyer and ended up doing exactly what he promised me he’d do. He claimed I was Bipolar crazy and that I’d abandoned my child… Neither one painted a good picture for me…

To be continued…

Just a “friendly” reminder…

wpid-20151026_093907.png“A dog will look down when they have done wrong, but a snake will look you striaght in the eyes.”

NARCSISSISTS

Certain characteristics appear with stunning regularity among narcissists. Since narcissism is on a continuum, some will have more than others.

These characteristics apply to males and females (my personal experiences are highlighted in red)

1. Self-centered. His needs are paramount. His and our son’s needs are more important than mine.

2. No remorse for mistakes or misdeeds. None at all. When I left him. He wasnt sorry. Or took the blame as to why.

3. Unreliable, undependable.

4. Does not care about the consequences of his actions. Obviously not

5. Projects faults on to others. High blaming behavior; never his fault. Blame shifting

6. Little if any conscience.

7. Insensitive to needs and feelings of others. Doesnt care if he hurts my feelings or if what he’s done has hurt my feelings, nor has ever said I’m sorry, are you ok, how do you feel?

8. Has a good front (persona) to impress and exploit others. Accurate

9. Low-stress tolerance. Easy to anger and rage. I wouldnt know, he has no emotions or he doesnt talk about what stresses him out.

10. People are to be manipulated for his needs.

11. Rationalizes easily. Twists conversation to his gain at other’s expense.  If trapped, keeps talking, changes the subject or gets angry. Accurate. When we “argue” as he calls it, I call it speaking me mind, he will get furious!! I cant get a word in edgewise. So most of our marriage conversations or arguments have been carried out via text. No Joke. And the reason why is because he wont give me to change to speak, or he will just walk away, which I dont believe is fair. So I designed this pin to wear around. It says “Dont get angry just because I speak or spoke my mind.”

Don't get angry just because I speak or spoke my mind

Don’t get angry just because I speak or spoke my mind

12. Pathalogical liar

13. Tremendous need to control situations, conversations, others.

14. No real values. Mostly situational. Values or  morals and has taught neither to our son

15. Often perceived as caring and understanding and uses this to manipulate. He doesnt care. He says he does but never acts like it.

16. Angry, mercurial, moods. Moods which make me think that I’ve done someting wrong, but I havent. I’m left to guess what it was.

17. Uses sex to control. If I dont give him sex, I get treated like shit. Made to feel invisible, suspected of cheating, loss of car privelges, ingored to the highest, etc.

18. Does not share ideas, feelings, emotions. Nope not at all. He doesnt laugh, smile, or even barely speak two words on a daily bases.

19. Conversation controller. Must have the first and last word. Especially when confronted or when I speak my mind.

20. Is very slow to forgive others. Hangs onto resentment. He claims that he doesn’t but he’s lying.

21. Secret life. Hides money, friends, activities. He hides money, bank statements, 401K info, cash, HIS WALLET, etc. He doesnt have and friends or does anything but sit and watch television when he gets home from work.

22. Likes annoying others. Likes to create chaos and disrupt for no reason. Says hurtful things, startles me, has immature behaviour which when called on about it, he says He was “just kidding”.

23. Moody – switches from nice guy to anger without much provocation. I dare not say he’s wrong about anything…

24. Repeatedly fails to honor financial obligations. Very irrisponsible with money, has made stupid finacial mistakes which I am not consulted on.

25. Seldom expresses appreciation. NEVER expresses appreciation or says thank you.

26. Grandiose. Convinced he knows more than others and is correct in all he does. Has to prove he’s right

27. Lacks ability to see how he comes across to others.  Defensive when confronted with his behavior.  Never his fault. Even if I tell him immediately after he has done something to me or something to someone else, he will still be in denial that he is the way I am describing…

28. Can’t get emotional, tearful. This is about show or frustration rather than sorrow. He’s an impenetrable wall.

29. He breaks woman’s spirits to keep them dependent. Yes, and I feel so responsible for allowing him to do this to me.

30. Needs threats, intimidations to keep others close to him. True

31. Sabotages partner. Wants her to be happy only through him and to have few or no outside interests and acquaintances. Accurate.

32. Highly contradictory. Accurate 

33. Convincing.  Must convince people to side with him. Honestly I don’t even think he even talks to anyone about me at all. Not even his family. Out of sight, out of mind…but I could be wrong.

34. Hides his real self.  Always “on” I dont even know who his real self is. When he’s on the phone, he’s proper and respectful and as soon as he’s off, he’s disrepectful and onery. 

35. Kind only if he’s getting from you what he wants. Afterwhich cruelty follows kindness. If I say no…let’s just say, I’m not allowed to say no.

36. He has to be right. He has to win. He has to look good. Accurate

37. He announces, not discusses. He tells, not asks. Accurate, he dictates

38. Does not discuss openly, has a hidden agenda. I am always wondering why he’s being kind or why he’s buying something for me or is he expecting something in return. 

39. Controls money of others but spends freely on himself. This isnt my Narc. He’s still walking around with holes in his undies, socks and shoes, and clothes outdated by 10 years.  I know, makes no sense right?

40. Unilateral condition of, “I’m OK and justified so I don’t need to hear your position or ideas” YEP! His word is the final word. He will say OK, just to end something that still needs to be resolved or just to shut me up so he doesnt have to deal with it.

41. Always feels misunderstood. I woulnt know this because he never speaks.

42. You feel miserable with this person. He drains you. Accurate. I can’t go anywhere. I can’t do anything with anyone. And although he will say that he’s NOT preventing me from doing these things, he’s lying. It’s a fucking mental game he’s paying and I walk on eggshells everyday of my life with him.

43. Does not listen because he does not care. Nope, what I say does not matter. To him. 

44. His feelings are discussed, not the partners. My Narc, does not discuss his feelings nor barely speaks at all.

45. Is not interested in problem-solving. Not at all. Even if it’s the most important matter, if would be blown off by him as if it didnt exist at all. I am left with all of the burden and worry to carry.

46. Very good at reading people, so he can manipulate them.  Sometimes called gaslighting. I wouldnt say that my Narc is good at reading people however, he has been known to surprise me. But he is a gas-lighter to the EXTREME in all of the other definitions of gas-lighting.

47. Two-faced

48. Vindictive OH YES HE IS! Exptremely spiteful. Almost immature even. Passive Aggressive

49. Count on you not remembering what they’ve done or said so that they can deny it later I had to keep a journal because he convinced me that I was overreacting or going crazy. He told me it was “all in my head.” Well you know what asshole, it wasn’t.

50. They smear people who oppose them. Perfect example in my last two posts

51. They refuse to take responsibility  for anything. All the negative complaints and bad behavioural things that has happened with our son, with loosing our house, our cars, falling behind on bills, etc.,  WAS his fault yet he still says it wasnt. “Your always trying to blame me for everything!” he will aways say. Well duh! 

52. They lie. I didnt think that he did until I realized that he was a narcissist. Had me fooled.

He’s been running for president since 2005

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My Narc has been smear campaigning against me since 2005, which is when I was first diagnosed with Bipolar Depression.

This was his ammunition to use against me in court if I ever threatened to leave with my baby boy because of his abuse towards me. And it worked and has worked for 16 years.

I had always suffered from depression as a child and then as a teenager. Most likely due to childhood sexual abuse, but that’s another story. Anyway, when I met my Narc and decided to have my child (with him) because I needed someone to love me, Id only known my Narc for a short while before I’d decided to “settle” down with him and create my mini-me in 1999. My Narc knew why I needed to have this baby. This baby would love me and I would love and protect it. In 2001 and being pretty much uninsured, my Narc finally was able to get a great assembly job with most of my help. I filled out his job application and I created his resume without a thank you at all. All he had to do was go in and “impress” them. Anyway, he ended up getting the job. And along with the job came some really good perks. One of which was EXCELLENT insurance. This is when I was finally able to take advantage of his coverage and seek professional, opinion about my depression and why the typical antidepressants weren’t working. And finally in 2005, I was diagnosed with having Bipolar. Bipolar is looked on so badly by society, that I was in denial for at least five years, but I took the meds and saw the shrinks anyway. I do recall receiving pamphlets on Bipolar and that there is more than one type of this illness. The type I was diagnosed with was Bipolar II. I insisted and begged my husband to please read about the condition to make himself educated about what I had, but he refused. All that he’d rather focus on was that I was CRAZY (manic). Please if you dont know the facts about Bipolar, do me a favor and make yourself aware because it has an unjustly frowned on reputaion for being a negative and scary disorder.

In 2005 after having confided with a neighbor friend my life and her crumbling marital life she confessed that she was planning to divorce her husband and leave, making her escape. She invited me to come along too because she’d known about my situation as well because I was always and forever complaining about it.

So a few weeks later after getting up the courage I finally went to my Narc and told him that I had had enough of him treating me like shit. I told him I was leaving him. And you know what he said, he looked at me straight in the eye and said, “Go on, go back home to yo mama but you ain’t taking our son.” And when I told him that was going to take him anyway he told me that the judge would never give custody to a person with Bipolar and who was as unstable as I was.
THOSE WORDS HAVE KEPT ME TRAPPED HERE EVER SINCE because I wasn’t leaving without my reason for living.

A person who truly loved you wouldn’t have said that, let alone treat you like shit in the first place. He’d put me once again in a position of fear. Fear of him taking my son away from me out of spite, by telling the judge something as DETRIMENTAL as that, and fear of me knowing that I had no place else to go if I did actually leave him.

I’m telling you, Narcs play hardball. I don’t think they have the capability to love. I think it’s all a little game to them. A game which I’m always defeated at by him.
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Not everyone’s Narc is the same

Not everyone’s Narc is the same. Not everyone’s threshold to deal with their Narc is the same.

Some Narcs are kinder to their spouses than others. Some Narcs are more realistic in communicating with their spouses. But then there are Narcs like mine who makes me feel like being his wife means being his slave, where “kindness follows cruelty and cruelty follows kindness” also fitting the textbook discription of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder along with Passive Aggressive and spiteful traits.

Some people have a high tolerance for pain (aka, your will to fight) Just like some people would have a low tolerance for it (aka, inability to be strong, stay strong and keep positive that if they prey hard enough that their struggles will someday dissipate).

Every woman/man who has to deal with a Narc either in a relationship or married to, on a daily basis will tell you a different story of how their Narc is which is why I don’t believe it’s right that other’s (in this situation or not) should tell us that “things will be ok.” Because they have NO IDEA. They don’t know your personal PAIN THRESHOLD (aka, how much of the mental battery you can withstand) .

I have been married to this man for 16 years, you don’t think that I have been unhappy since day one and have been planning an escape this entire time? An escape which has led me no where. It’s like mouse being trapped in a box. I may have began strong and managed to keep strong but my inability to keep my strength up at times has led me to some very dark places. My tolerance for pain fluctuates and who knows what could happen. I’m not Super Woman. No person is. I’m human. And I don’t appreciate someone telling me that” it’s going to be alright” or that “I’m a courageous and strong woman or even statements like “where there’s a will, there’s a way.” I mean C’mon! These are just AUTO RESPONSES from people who really don’t have anything else to say. They have no idea. When they’ve never walked in my shoes and if they have they dare not admit it. Oh the horror!

You know how many times I’ve heard that “AUTO RESPONSE”? Too many times to count.

Truthfully, I’d rather you not say anything. But if you do, please say that you understand.

There is no fix for this bullshit…

Therefore, I don’t care to hear yours either.
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DON’T PATRONIZE ME…

I’m telling you right now, if you’re in a predicament like mine which is “stuck”, married to either a physical abuser, mental and emotional abuser, or a narcissistic asshole, you cannot tell me that it is ok or it will be ok. Because you know what, if you can’t offer me some great advice or some proven successful suggestions (that I haven’t tried or thought about already myself) , then I will call you out on your BULLSHIT. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT and you can take your comforting lies and tell them to someone else. wpid-49bf09bc1f7d3dfcfe47b244d8fea6f8.jpg

You can call me a negative, pessimist woman or not, but I know that I’m not. I’m a realist woman and I’m tired of walking blind, pretending like this shit I’m in isn’t shit all and that it really doesn’t stank that bad, BECAUSE IT DOE’S!

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If you came to me and divulged such personal information about yourself, your situation, how scared you are, how you feel like you have no where to turn, I’m not going to feed you any of this shit. I’m gonna tell you the TRUTH and then we are going to put our two heads together to try to get you out because like I said, your narc and situation may be a little detrimental than mine. There may still be hope for you. We could try some solutions that I’ve thought of that would work for your particular situation that didn’t work for me, but I’m never going to tell you that it’s going to be “ok” because I don’t know. I wouldn’t give false hope because I don’t you. I don’t know what you can and vs can not handle. However, if you don’t want to hear the truth, then that’s a problem. And to face the problem you got to realize it.

I face problems head on. I may not always find a solution, but I can bet you a million dollars that I’ve tried and that’s all I can do. Try.

Those who fail to plan…

…plan to fail.”
“Those who fail to plan, plan to fail.” And old adage supposedly written by Benjamin Franklin, which I’ve lived by my entire life but never realized it.

Sometimes I don’t think this is a good rule of thumb as a guide for myself, because most times it’s a negative way of talking myself out of a lot of necessary things (bad decisions) which need to happen for the good of my mental stability.

Like for instance this afternoon I decided to call Medicare and get some information on their different options for medical coverages (preparing for being uninsured when I divorce my narc) and it always seems like being proactive is what makes me want to retract my decision to leave this asshole.

My narc’s insurance is incredibly and unbelievably good. I mean, we pay next to nothing, y’all. Me, being on SSD as well as using my Medicare as a secondary insurance, coupled with his insurance, I practically have it made! And I’ve known this since day one of our marriage, which is another dumb reason why I’m still here. Shit, I can’t afford $300 for just one of the six prescriptions which I need! The last time I decided to “take a break” from my mood stablizer, I ended up in the psyc ward. The other med which I need is for my ADD and Lord knows I can’t go a day without that! It was $384, and under my husband’s insurance it’s only $5. Now I understand why the elderly of the U.S. are bitching, complaining and dropping off like flies because they can’t afford anything!!

Anyway, after today’s phone call the wheels in my head are turning again, reminding me that being unmarried, uninsured, unemployed, and practically homeless isn’t worth getting a divorce, needing and feeling loved or treated with the respect I deserve.
Maybe enduring another 10 years of this bullshit mental torture isn’t so bad after all? :'(:'(😭😭

A glutten for punishment…

  1. My little brother actually accused me of being this way a couple weeks ago. Funny thing is, I’ve called myself this almost everyday for the past 16 years that I’ve been with this man. Let’s see that makes…5,840 days. Yep, I guess I can officially say that I’m enjoying this shit.
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He, who has the power.

My Narc has the control.
My 16 year-old son has the power.
My Narc is the green-eyed sentinel (or dragon; doesn’t matter) with all of the control who is guarding our son who holds all the power.

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Now, how fucked up is that? What can I do? Absolutely nothing. But not because I don’t want to. It’s because I can’t.
I’ve got a disrespectful Narc teaching my son to be a disrespectful man. I’ve got a spiteful and lazy Narc allowing a teenager to leave his room a mess, leave his dirty dishes, dirty clothes, trash etc. all over the house. He chooses where to eat, our son demands candy for dinner, he’s allowed it. Our son is told to do something and his actions basically say, “fuck you” he is given a free pass on every disrespectful action by my Narc. I’ve got a Narc who is not stepping up to do his fatherly duties which is to ENFORCE the rules, stand firm on his disciplinary actions and who is literally allowing a child to step all over him. And if I say or do anything about it, I’m undermined, treated with disrespect and cruelty by both.

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I need help…

I need help raising my kid. 😥
All I’ve ever tried (attempted) to do was raise him up right. Instill in him everything he needs to be a productive member of society, a responsible person and respectful man. But I’ve never had any help. 😥 I thought I was doing the right thing in staying with his father. My mum raised two kids alone. It was a struggle for her.

I just thought…

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Defend my honor, my ass!!!

Why didn’t I kick this no good lazy excuse for a father out a long time ago!?! When the going gets tough and the tough gets going in raising a teenager, the person a woman and wife should at least count on to step in and handle things “put the hammer down” is the father of that teenage boy or girl. But when he does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING at all (and doesn’t have the excuse that he was away or out of the child’s picture) but is actually present in the home IN THE OTHER ROOM , and I can’t turn to him and tell him, that our son held a knife to my back, our son went off on me, our son bullies me, our son got angry at me for no reason at all and told me that I was “playing dumb” about a conversation we were having on why he refuses to behave in school and I do not deserved to be spoken to like that. There were times when he has said and done worse to me, and my immediate reaction was to tell his father (tattletale) with HOPES that he would handle it. But every time I did that. What did he do? NOTHING!! NOTHING! NOTHING! Which in my son’s eyes made me look like a dumb ass fool, who couldn’t be taken seriously by either of them I expected his father to come home and whoop his ass (or do something!), but NEVER did. Guess who becomes the punching bag for the response of “yeh, whatever mom!”? ME!

What do I do????? This man has never defended me nor stepped up to the plate to discipline our son and make him do anything! Instead, he’d rather focus on reprimanding ME! I’ve told him time and time again, “I’m a grown ass woman! You don’t talk to me like a teenage daughter, you talk to your son like that, not me!”

Shit, I could have done bad by myself!!! (I could have raised my son poorly on my own without his help)

Because of this man. I’m ashamed to admit that I dislike my own child because he IS NOT what I would have raised him to be had I just did it on my own. He’s not my child anymore. He is just another asshole, like all the rest and unconditional love at this point, is out the window….

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I’m not stupid, I’m just Stuck Pt II :The Reality Check

So anyone who’s’ still willing to give advice or suggesting (without REALISTICALLY thinking)  that it’s as easy as 1-2- 3 to tell a woman to just pack up her kids and leave her abuser or her narcissistic asshole, and go out and find aj job with fingers crossed that  life will grand and wonderful, well here’s an example of REALITY and just how NOT EASY it is to just go out and simply do that. I’m not speaking for everyone else, but this is ONE reason why I stay. Why it is so hard. Why I stay STUCK and that HE knows it. Because unless the wife of a mentally abusive narcissist can immediately go out and pull in $100,000 a year, or even find a job that pays $10.00 and hour,  I don’t think that’s gonna happen. Just creating this post and doing this figures (which needed to be done) has made me thoroughly depressed…

 

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I’m not stupid, I’m just stuck.

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There’s nothing worse than being stereotyped, classified or even being given a preconceived expectation of what the typical abused woman would act like, look like, dress like, talk like or even an assumption that she’s uneducated because of the situation that she’s involved in.
She may not have foreseen that when she married the man of her dreams and gave up her career to have children and dedicate her life to being the best mother her children would ever have, would turn out to be the biggest mistake she could ever have made. At the moment of the exchange of “I, do’s” had she never imagined that he’s turn out to be a monsterous alcoholic wife beater a year later. If she’d known that, I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have married him. Right?

My point is, she got herself, stuck. Well, sorta. In this hypothetical story I conjured up, this wife and mother has a place to go. She can pack up the kids and go back home to her large loving and supportive family and friends back in Virginia. LOL!

But some of us can’t “simply” do that. All of us have our own reasons why we can’t just go. But for whatever the reasons are, a majority of us will have no other choice but to seek a “safe” house.

Speaking from personal experience these so called “safe house’s” are a joke. And I’ll tell you why.

First off. I’m not stupid, I’m just stuck. And I do not like being treated like I’m stupid just because I’m coming to you and trusting in you to provide help and support for me!!! 😠
I consider myself a highly educated and intelligent person but just because I’m in an abusive relationship and I have no place to go or to turn, doesn’t give you the right to assume that I’m a dumbass crack head, treat me sis respectfully or even look or talk down to me. And this is what I experienced when I visited a Women’s Shelter in East Texas.

They claim to be “safe” and offer shelter, but from who? The abuser, maybe. But what about within the walls??? I lived in a shelter for one half months and during that period I have never felt so much fear and anxiety in my life!!

I was placed with roommates who were thieves, drunks, literally homeless, convicts, one woman actually stole another woman’s wallet while it was unattended, took it, and stole her social security check! This woman was the type of character who tricked people into believing they could trust her. She was the quiet reserved type that came into the shelter playing the victim of an abuser but secretly plotting to steal what she could when you weren’t looking, thanks what she got and return to her boyfriend and flee the state. WHICH IS WHAT SHE DID! They caught her in New York.

I was forced to live with psychopaths, women with children crying all night long, toilets flushing, lights flashing and I have never wished to be on the outside instead of the inside so badly in my life. I slept with one eye open every night, my purse strapped around my neck and I lost 10 pounds during my stay there. I contemplated going back to my husband so, so, so many times.
They literally treated us women like slaves.

I don’t mind doing a chore or two but damn! When you were assigned a chore, you were responsible for a lot of shit and it was very overwhelming! If another women didn’t appear for her shift chore, guess what? It was left on you and most of the time, abandoning the chore was intentional.

The cafeteria and kitchen staff treated us like we were less than nothing and they too were less than nothing! I was like, who do you think you are!? I had to file a complaint against one of them for disrespecting me. Most residents wouldn’t have BUT I did.

If we weren’t being abused on the inside as slaves, most of the women were forced back out on the street within two weeks with their children. For the ones who didn’t have a job, it was mandatory that they find one. MANDITORY! If you didn’t have a car, you were told to walk.

The councelors or at least the one I was given was wonderful and caring. I couldn’t have asked for anyone better. I cried a lot with her…

The Shelter Director, however was another story though. She thought I was stupid. She would have preferred that I be stupid because after a few one on one’s with me, I could tell she felt intimidated. I’M NOT STUPID, I’M JUST STUCK. Just because I was in her Women’s shelter didn’t mean I was uneducated. It didn’t mean I was an alcoholic, a crack head, a beat up black eyed, woman who just accepted the torture they were putting us through.. (maybe I did hack their WiFi, but that’s no big woop. I needed the internet) Ha! 😂

But this woman just did not like me for some reason. She asked and I told her a little about my education and she acted as if it were impossible for me to be black and intelligent! image

I’M NOT STUPID, I’M JUST STUCK.

When are people going to understand that some of us abused are like rats trapped in a box or a maze? We made a bad choice, we gave up our lives for these men who have now left us in an unfortunate predicament. A predicament where either we have no friends or family to go back to, no former or most recent work experience to fall back on, and if so the work we are able to attain would never be enough to survive off financially alone or with children.

What other options are there? It’s easy to give someone your advice or a suggestion but… it’s just easy to give it. That’s all. But try walking in the victims shoes, why don’cha?

It’s either stay or be homeless, because I’M NOT STUPID, I’M JUST STUCK.

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At your beck and call…

Barely Two Words The color purple

If you’ve never seen the Color Purple which is an epic tale spanning forty years in the life of Celie (Whoopi Goldberg), an African-American woman living in the South who survives incredible abuse and bigotry. After Celie’s abusive father marries her off to the equally debasing “Mister” Albert Johnson (Danny Glover), things go from bad to worse, leaving Celie to find companionship anywhere she can. She perseveres, holding on to her dream of one day being reunited with her sister in Africa. Based on the novel by Alice Walker.

I would say and feel that my sixteen years of being married to this man has felt exactly like this except I  persevere holding on to the dream of one day being free and being able to break the unseverable bond of my co-dependent relationship with my narcissistic husband.

If I continued to allow him to, he would also continue to expect me to wait on him hand and foot. You see, my narcissistic husband was raised in a household where the female figure (his Aunt Terry) had an enabling personality. She is now a 65-year-old woman who was a stay at home mom aka domestic housewife. She raised two daughters as well as my husband and his little brother because their father (her brother) had been layed off, was mentally unstable, unable and illiterate. Because of this, they all had to come and live with her and her husband. Which by the way, are all still there 35 years later, except for my husband.

She was at the beck and call of all of her husband’s wants and needs, in addition to everyone else’s. She did everything. She was expected to do things that made her extremely exhausted and no one seemed to notice, appreciate or even care. She cooked three meals a day, washed 5 loads of laundry a day, cleaned every room, vacuumed, took care of her two daughters, my husband, and his little brother, she ran errands for her husband’s mother (who’s in her 90’s), her husband’s sister and her husband’s brother. All whom could have done these things themselves. She ran to the bank, ran to get water from the well, did the grocery shopping for both families, toted my husbands father to and from a city which was an hour and half away for doctors appointments and many more things were expected of her. She was continually on the go all day long. I felt empathy for her because, in my observance, she was a servant, a maid, a housekeeper, and a slave, but not a respected and appreciated wife at all. She was someone who was expected to cater to everyone. And when I say catering, I mean cater to and when I say being at the beck and call of, I mean being at the beck and call of. The dictionary definition of the word servant is:

Servant: One who expresses submission, recognizance, or debt to another: And this is exactly what she was. I would even go as far as to say that she is treated like a black servant of the pre-1960’s, except she was white.

Lillian Smith provides a description of the typical black woman and the typical white woman “of the pre-1960’s American South”  in her autobiographical critique of southern culture, “The typical black woman in the South is a cook, housekeeper, nursemaid, or all three wrapped up in one for at least one white family. Therefore, she is the double matriarch of the South, raising her own family and the families of her white employers.  The southern black woman’s duties extend far beyond rearing children, as she also serves as a family counselor, confidant, and nurse for the entire white family and her own if time permits. She can do all this and more because she is strong, wise, and insightful in all areas of life. In short, the southern black woman is the cornerstone of the southern, domestic life.  She meekly sits there, a symbol of southern society used to benefit men’s ideals, feeling empty and POWERLESS against everything going on around her.  She neglected her own needs and interests because back then the Southern Tradition did not value the emotions or differing opinions of women. Powerful, white men create this society and the roles for the women within. Southern women, black and white, have little choice but to play the roles they are given and experience life as those men intend.

The duties she is expected to do keeps her unhappy. She is a real person enacting the role of the Southern tradition of the 1940’s typical black servant even decades later, till this day because her husband is a very overbearing and controlling man. Whom I believe, like myself, she is intimidated and afraid of.

Issues like sex are “pushed to the forefront” of everything else. Nothing else mattered. There are topics other than sex that are avoided by most white pre-1960’s because in the South discussion of such topics may disrupt Southern Tradition. Because white women are to uphold Southern Tradition, they are not to question it or to try to change it. For example topics such as money, the desire for mutual respect, feelings, …Moreover, any efforts by white women to question or to change the southern tradition created by white men is futile and half-hearted. According to Smith, southern white women know there is something evil in their society, “And because they did not believe things could change or that they should (though they could not have told you why) they had to shut their minds against knowledge of what existed”, and little was done to actually change things.

 To an extent, some southern women, black and white, play an expanded version of these roles TODAY. The fact that southern women still adhere to roles created for them by men nearly one hundred years ago is unfortunate. Southern women of all races must create roles for themselves in which they are fulfilled and respected rather than remaining loyal to their white, male ancestors’ ideals.”

THIS IS THE CONCLUSION TO WHAT I BELIEVE IS WHAT MY NARCISSISTIC HUSBAND WAS TRYING TO MOLD ME INTO because this was the environment he was raised amongst. But I am NOT Aunt Terry, nor do I wish to fill her shoes anymore. For this, my husband will intentionally make my life a living hell for the rest of my time with him if I keep allowing him to.

Aunt Terry and her husband Jon have accepted back into their home, their 44-year-old daughter, her 20-year-old son, my husband’s little brother who is now 36 and his wife and three children. All of which Aunt Terry runs her ass off for on a daily basis. She babysits, does all of the household chores, does every ones laundry (with no help), fixes the meals, washes everyone’s dirty  dishes, runs the same daily errands, for them and her husband’s family and here’s the kicker. She serves all of their food to them, delivered to their doors, instead of demanding that they get their asses up and dishing and doing it for themselves!! When I said that she was an enabler. I WAS NOT exaggerating.

My narcissist is repeating the same mistake with our teenage son. Who can not and refuses to do a damn thing for himself.

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Killing him with kindness

When you live with a narcssist and klling them with kindness seems like your kissing ass all the time, you probably on their eyes, are. And most likely their enjoying it. My narcissist seems to take advantage of my kindness and then “expects” even more. He never reciprocates or understands that what do for him, I expect in return. It’s only fair. Not only is it not fair, it’s supposed to be like that anyway. When kindness and respect goes unnoticed or is ineffective you’ve got realize that you’re fighting a losing battle

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All I said was Hello!

It’s been so fucking difficult but acknowlemwnt is a huge pet peeve of mine. Something my husband has disrespectfully never done towards me.

This morning he walks out of the bedroom (I was already awake and sitting in the front room),he walks past me, peeked into our son’s room, walks back passed me and sat down a few feet away on the recliner. While the entire time I watch him and wait for him to give me any type of eye contact.
Finally I decide to say hello first, like always.
Do you know he looks over at me with this disgusted look, (which his reaction to my saying hello to him seemed like it went in slow motion), and he responded, “What? you act like this is your first time seeing me!” As if lying in bed right beside him all night long was acknowledgement enough. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting him to react like that I guess. You’d think I’d be used to it by now.

I snapped back,”I was just saying hello to you, you know ACKNOWLEDGING YOU, dang!”

Then our son walks out of his bedroom 5 minutes later and my husband goes to speaking to him as if I weren’t even there and my he more interestingly begins playful conversation with him instead.

As my blog title denotes, Barely two words.
I hate his ass.

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The epitome of a man-CHILD Part I.

Ladies, if you thought you lived with or were married to a man-child then you ain’t seen nothing yet.

wpid-20151003_083301.jpgFor the past 16 years, I have been married to a “boy” who I thought would eventually grow up. So I waited and waited and waited and…ya know, waited. With every single year, my patients grew thinner. But like I said in earlier posts, I had no other choices but to hang in thereHe was 23 when I met him. I was four years older. The typical man at the age sorta mature or at least would grow to be more mature with time, right? Or at least that’s what I was hoping for.

I mean, maybe I should have caught on when he would pick me up and twirl me around and slam me on the bad like a WWE wrestler. His idol was Sting the WWE champion. Eventually, those terrifying moments of picking me up like that grew tiresome and I told him to cut it the hell out, which he scowled at. Maybe I should have caught on to the lack of responsibility in which he behaved toward serious situation which was having crashed his car into another’s and instead of taking care of it, he left it sitting in a parking space outside of his apartment complex. Any other mature adult would have taken care of that as soon as it had happened instead of just letting it sit there for months. I’m 100% sure there were more instances and warning signs, but I can’t think back that far right now.

Anyway, living with this man-child has done nothing but kept me frustrated. Not only with his overall behavior about things and situations but in the raising of our only child which is a boy. I guess I’ll begin with him first. Before I even decided to or (chose to ) have a child with this man-child, I needed to know what kind of daddy he would make. So when we went and visited his family for the first time, I sat back and just observed (which I tend to do ALOT). At that time, he had very young cousins, ranging from the ages of 1-8. And the way he would get on the floor and just tumble and play, goo goo, gaga with them was adorable, loving and attentive. I knew from that moment that he would make a good daddy for my child. Little did I know that that behavior would carry on until this very day. When our son was born, my man-child seemed to know a lot more about caring for our young baby than I ever knew. I was so appreciative to have him there by my side. As our son grew older and into the ages of where I felt I would start buying him toys that would develop his brain (make him smart) my husband would always seem to counteract whatever I did with a video game or something. I mean, my husband played video games on occasion, but it didn’t start getting severe until our son was at the age where they could play “together”. While my husband was at work, I’d taught my son how to read, ride a bike, tie his shoe, I’d buy him lego’s so that he could use his building and creativity skills, I taught him the Spanish alphabet and numbers, etc. I was doing my best to not only be an attentive good mom but also to give him a good head start in his education. I could tell and I noticed that my husband was getting extremely envious of me and my son’s relationship bond. So he threw his next plan of attack into action. He’d buy more video games!! If my son wasn’t hooked before, he was now. Soon he had absolutely NO interest in ANYTHING else but gaming. He and my husband would play as soon as he got off work, and at every opportunity on the weekends. Then came the dog, and then came this, and then came that. Soon it seemed like we were competing against each other for our son’s attention. I’d buy the educational stuff while my husband would buy anything opposite that he felt would win our sons love, and it worked. I felt left out in the cold.
So I thought maybe if I could at least get my son involved in some sort of card collection like StarWars or Pokemon card collection maybe I could Wren him off of his addition to video games, and it seemed to work until my husband bought him the game Call of Duty including that damn wireless headphone five years ago. My son’s focus on school, academics, and interest in anything else had vanished. The Call of Duty game taught my son to cyber bully, taught my son to use profanity, taught my son to use racial slurs, etc. He wouldn’t even come up out of his bedroom. Not to eat, not to do homework, not even to engage with us at all. I’d tell my husband how I felt about it and my worries for our son but all he did was throw his hand up at me in an action which basically meant “whatever, get out of my face!” And again I felt defeated. 😥

wpid-20151003_082628.jpgPrior to all of this and back to the subject of my husband being the epitome of a man-child, all of his focus was on either the television and watching all of his recorded redneck tv shows, and looking at porn on the internet and playing video games and hyper-focusing on interests which were costing us a lot of money, money we DIDN’T really have. My husband was addicted to this whole saltwater tank fish thing, buying the exotic fish, plants, and every accessory you could think of for it. He had a thing for reptiles at one point and came home with a bearded dragon, he had a guinea pig or some rodent animal, then he grew this HUGE ass garden and hyper-focused on that! He made me go out and pick beans and shit from it if he didn’t make it home before dark. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking any of these hobbies or interests, BUT if you can’t afford them and your money needs to go towards other major priorities (like for instance, BILLS), you should really put these things on the back burner until you can.

NOW WE COME TO WHY I WROTE this blog entry. My husband is a very mean and extremely immature passive aggressive person. He’s very spiteful and most times I feel like I’m actually living with a bitchy and snotty roommate. I know one thing is for sure, A MAN SHOULD NOT BE BEHAVING LIKE HE DOES. I really don’t know why, because most of the time I’m walking on egg shells anyway.
This is what I’ve observed, and what I meant by being the epitome of a man-child:

  • Walking around something left on the floor because he thought I put it there when it was clearly our son.
  • Leaving dirty dishes in the sink because he thought I left them there when it was clearly or son yet he will not tell our son to come clean up after himself.
  • Expecting me to do things which he could get up and do himself, but when I ask  him the same thing he acts as if I’m inconveniencing him to do so.
  • Expecting me to take both dogs outside, walk them and feed them (which I love our dogs now, but I didn’t ask for or was consulted with to get them in the first place).
  • He’ll only clean his stuff and not mine, I’m not allowed to put ANYTHING on his side of the sink in the bathroom or his nightstand.
  • If I call him out on anything, he’ll accuse me of doing the same thing to him when I hadn’t.
  • When he pouts or sulks and tries to play the victim

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  • When he neglects our son’s need for direction attention to emotional issues because he doesn’t want to deal with it.
  • Allows his son to talk back to him. Allows his son to talk back to me. Believes his son’s word over his mothers.
  • Instead of telling me what’s wrong he gives me the silent treatment. (But that’s an all day everyday thing anyway…)
  • He mocks me. Yes, I said mock. He’ll mumble under his breath, very loudly, the things that a teenage boy would say to his mother if his mother told him to go clean up his room or told him that he couldn’t go to a house party.
  • If I do something which makes him angry, instead of just talking to me about it, he won’t allow me to use the only vehicle we have or he will try to starve me out. He won’t feed me. And when I ask him to buy anything, he’ll reply “Don’t you have the money?” When he knows damn well that I don’t.
  • He doesn’t use profanity but says words like “goober knocker” with our son. wtf!?
  • He takes the way I choose to discipline our son personally as if I’m hurting him in some way. If I tell him that we need to ground our son from his cell phone or from playing video games for some reason, he will actually go to bat for our son, or treat me as if I have no right to put upon the action I have decided best to reprimand our child. I mean, HE’S NOT DOING IT, SO ONE OF US HAS TO!
  • When he chooses to ignore financial issues which could potentially put the family in a very serious bind (which I’ll later get blamed for anyway)
  • When he’d rather choose comfort and living above our means, then settling for less putting us all at serious risks. I’ve been running across several disconnect notices for the electric bill because he’d rather keep the air conditioner at 75 degrees rather than setting it higher so the bill will reduce, phone bills that are sky rocket high because he’d rather pay for every movie channel including the adult channel, and highest wi-fi speed so that he could download movies in 8 minutes to his smartphone, he’d rather eat out every night instead of buying groceries and either we rotate cooking or he cooks his own damn self, instead of calling me “not a good wife” because I refuse to submit to doing it every day for his ungrateful ass like I’ve done in the past, he’s rather water gas and money driving back and forth to his folks house every weekend who lives 2 hours away, he’d rather spend money on our son getting him anything and everything he wants, creating a spoiled and ungrateful brat.

As a matter of fact on the subject of our son. I call our son Prince. Because my husband treats him like a Prince, and the Prince treats my husband like his bitch. LOL!! It’s true. As I sit back and observe, my husband is afraid of our 16-year-old son. I believe his top priority has been to be our sons friend instead of his father. He won’t discipline our son, and if he grounds him for a serious offense, it’s only for about a day, my husband spends above his means when it comes to trying to make our son happy. My son can do no wrong in my husbands eyes. My husband wants to always maintain the buddy figure instead of the father figure. Do you know what I mean? Instead of being a man (a father) and talk to our son about his future and college, my husband doesn’t mention either AT ALL.My husband is supposed to teach our son morals and values but instead he’d rather focus on common interests, like instance football, instead of academics.

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