Beside the fact that my narcissist thinks he can do no wrong, he’s the most ignorant person that I’ve ever met. But he still managed to criticize my parenting and make me feel inadequate at doing so.
When I was growing up I had to learn to take care of myself, to be mature and responsible. Not because my mum intentionally raised me that way, but because I had no choice to. And I guess I can say Thank you, mum.
Raising my son this way was exactly what I had planned on doing, except it WAS going to be intentional because I wanted him to be self sufficient. Some would say my justification for being a stay at home mother was a bad one, but I can confidently say that my son learned to spell, learned to read, learned to speak Spanish, learned to ride a bike, learned to tie his shoes, learned to use his imagination by building blocks, learned gymnastics and much, much more and was all by MY doing. NOT his father’s. His father would come home, demand his meal, recline in his chair and watch television till he fell asleep.
I wasn’t a spoiled child. Trust me, not even close. As a matter of fact we were very poor, but I learned that “You get what you get and you don’t have a fit.” This applied to Christmas, birthdays, school clothes, living and housing. I guess you could say I learned to be thankful for what I got. :). And I tried really hard to instill in our son the same virtues but my narc husband just didn’t see it that way. His words exactly were, “I’m not letting him go without.” Even if that meant sacrificing an electric bill payment putting his family at risk for no electricity (which actually did happen) for him. Which I believe is the stupidest choice I’ve ever known a person to make. (Now our son is ungrateful, not thankful for anything and spoiled rotten) He could care less if the electric bill gets paid because it’s all about him, him, him. And it doesn’t matter what say to either of them.
Anyway, as our son grew up I never got credit for anything that our son learned or knew. My husband gladly took it all. As a matter of fact my husband has never expressed gratitude or gave me props for being a “good mother” therefore I always felt inadequate.
Although I felt it was my place to take on the roles of mother and father, instilling morals, virtues, teaching my son to be responsible by cleaning up after himself, doing his own dishes, making his own sack lunches or at least a basic sandwich, teaching him to put a load of laundry in the wash, teaching him to use the microwave, fold clothes, hang his own clothes, doing chores, taking care of the dogs, etc. My narc enabled and coddled our son so bad that he can barely do a damn thing now and he’s 16 years old!! He’d rather have someone else do it for him. And if your gullible enough to do it, he’d let you. That’s exactly what his father does. HE’S AN ENABLER and there’s is nothing that anyone can say or do to make him believe that this is the most unhealthy upbringing you can do to a child or teenager. I refuse to be a slave to either of them. If you’re able to physically do it yourself, then do it. Don’t sit and expect someone to do it for you. That’s just my opinion.
As my son approached his teens and began to get more difficult to handle I needed support, which I never got from my husband. So I turned to the world wide web. Sites like forums for moms, psychology.com, etc. I needed anything that would answer the questions which my husband would make me question myself about. Questions like,
1. What age should kids start chores?? Chores which my husband NEVER made or enforced in him to do.
2. How to recognize ADD
3. Are video games harmful to children?
4. Raising an interracial child
Then as my son turned eleven I was Googling
1. My child is addicted to porn
2. My husband let’s my son watch R-rated movies with sex in them
3. What to do if your child is violent
4. Causes of certain behaviors
So I was constantly educating and making myself aware of things my son did and what I needed to do to help us. I’d even speak to my sons teachers, counselors, even my own psychiciatrist! Who all gave me great advice and suggestions. BUT All Hail the all Knowing Ignorant wouldn’t believe me, he wouldn’t believe them, wouldn’t believe anyone! “Father knows best” even if he really didn’t. You can’t take risks when raising a child, a preteen, most importantly, a teenager. You must make smart decisions and choices for them, not stupid ones! These times are important and detrimental. And my narcs fucked it up!
Which is why I attribute a lot of what is wrong with our son today to the fact that his father is a narcissistic ignoramous!!