Piece of shit poem

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*Piece of shit*

I was just writing in my journal two days ago
about how it feels to be treated by an emotionally abusive narcissist
My narcissist, in particular, treats me like a piece of shit
stuck to the bottom of his shoe

He wants to scrap it off because it disgusts him
But it stubbornly refuses to come off

When you think about it, analogy wise,
I am that piece of shit
And I’m clinging like hell to his shoe
Because I’m afraid
I’ve grown co-dependent on him in every way
And if I’m scraped off I might be washed away by the rain
or embedded into the soil, lost

Why do we cling?
Why don’t we let go?
Why do we have faith that our narcissist will get better
or even change for us?
Why do we accept being treated like a piece of shit?

© she
June 21, 2016
Artist Simon Siwak

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I don’t work but that still doesn’t make it right..

I haven’t worked since 2005, well I did little part time jobs like teaching gymnastics but stopped doing anything that required sustaining attention and memory retention. I filed for social security disability in 2007 and I was finally approved in 2009. Two of the reasons were Severe ADHD and chronic or severe GAD Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety. The ADHD, which I just discovered, is considered a mental disorder falling under the Intellectual Disability impairment. Just that term alone makes me seem retarded, but trust me, I’m not.

Anyway, under this deficit by Social Security  description you must have these requirements

  • an inability to follow directions
  • difficulties maintaining social functioning: or
  • Marked difficulties in maintaining concentration, persistence, or pace

Those, however, are a list of my disabilities dealing with ADD, there were more that didn’t exactly pertain to me. Jobs that require filing or keeping organized, or being on pace with anything, I would be running around like a chicken with her head cut off, constantly stressed out. I once had a VERY good position as a co-manager at a retail store, a position that I actually went to tech school to get an AA degree for and I couldn’t even handle that job.  I was disappointed in myself and I felt dumb. I also have gotten really good jobs like payroll positions only to get fired because of my lack of organization, pace and keeping and retaining the protocols for everything. I also got let go at another job which I only held for a week at a game software company. And it was technical support at that. I just couldn’t get it. I couldn’t retain what I had just learned an hour ago! FUCK! I was so heartbroken. The job paid well, had great benefits, had a promising future, the staff and co-workers were all awesome and there I was couldn’t even keep up next to kids 20 years younger than me!

I’ve had so many great opportunities that I just fucked up and I became so depressed. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I go to the restroom crying because I felt so dumb. I had goals which I couldn’t even go for because of the disabilities which held me back. I had a major math problem called dyscalculia http://diagnostic-learning.com/dyscalculia which seemed like it was accompanies with dyslexia. These two things prevented me from doing programming which was another goal of mine because I really love computers and it’s a necessity to get a degree in Computer Science or Information Technology.

I began to get down on myself and very depressed. I felt like a failure. I felt like my son would think of me as a loser and I was right. So many times his eyes would light up when he would ask me if I had gotten a job yet. And now, me sitting around here for over 10 years have demonstrated to him that it’s ok to be “lazy” as well.

But my point of this post is that my husband has taken advantage and taken me for granted for over 16 years. He has treated me like a house slave. Everything with him is “that your job” attitude. He’s a lazy ass jerk is what he is. I do or did everything while he comes home and doesn’t appreciate any of it. I was very submissive for a very long time yall. A very long time. Thirteen years to be exact. I finally started realizing that I was worth something and that I needed to have more respect for myself and to stop letting him bully me into doing things that I DIDNT want to do and that INCLUDED sex! Because ya see, not only was he demanding and controlling, he didn’t speak to me at all. He would /does ignoring me. He doesn’t look at me, he doesn’t speak to me, he doesn’t communicate with me, he undermines me, he doesn’t respect me, yet he believes that I am obligated to have sex with him. Well, I don’t think so you narcissistic asshole!! I may still clean (because I can’t stand a nasty house) but I refuse to cook and have sex with a man that treats me like I don’t exist!

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