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WORDS

WORDS

Words are just words
Until somebody listens

What else do we really have?  

If the words themselves

Do not exist 

We can never say 

I love you

Never say I’m sorry

We use them every day

To express

Love

Hate

Anger

We use them

In crises 

We use them to lie

We use them to cheat 

They hold

Immense power

They can be kind

They can

Break your heart 

Make you shed a tear

And they can also 

Make you smile

And laugh 

For the words themselves

Are a gift

Use them wisely 

And if you use them 

For love

Perhaps then

Someone will 

Listen..

   –  Ken Riccio original poems ©

5 Reasons We Discard You

Knowing the Narcissist

 

The seduction is mesmerising and as part of its allure we of course tell you why we chose you with a thousand different sensual sentences. Some may seem over-the-top; others make sense to you but either way you are giving the basis of understanding why we have been drawn to you. We do not tell you the real reasons why we chose you but we do provide you with some.

The devaluation is tortuous, horrific and unpleasant. You are unable to ascertain why we have suddenly knocked you from your pedestal. It is bewildering and confusing and only serves to add to your pain. You may have some reasons hurled at you but they will not make any sense to you and this is by design, to keep you confused and where we want you. Reasons are given, they just do not make sense.

Then comes the discard and…

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IdENTiTY

IdENTiTY

Today’s topic of discussion is about IDENTITY which I will be having with myself because as always seems it seems like that anyway.

Journal Entry:
IDENTITY

I have always had an issue with or have for most of my life been conflicted about my identity as far as race was concerned. I have other conflictions, but today I will only be talking about one. My conflicted identity is with my race. Now I don’t have to talk about it, just as a person with a sexual preference doesn’t have to divulge that information but they would if they wanted to. So I am.

Right now I guess I want to talk about it because I’m ashamed of something or someone which often times makes me feel like the choice I made in him was the wrong choice for me because of his race. Don’t get me wrong. Personally, I have not dated or been with a lot men. But the men I did choose were mostly caucasian. So if you would tell me that there was a black man who would be a narcissist I would find that hard to believe. Oddly and ashamedly I would believe a black man would be anything else.

I know, I know that’s racist to say but it’s rather a fear of my own race. Especially black men. But whenever my husband, a narcissist who I call MR. HYDE would treat me cruelly, I would always think to myself “I bet a black man wouldn’t treat me like this”, I know that sounds messed up and even I think it sounds messed up. But hey, I’m messed up. However, there is always a back story as to why people behave or believe why they do what they do. And in my case, I have a lot of very very deep and personal childhood experiences with black men which cause me to feel the way I do. If you can try to understand what I mean.

Not only that, but I was made to feel rejected and like an outsider by my own race. And that is very hurtful and I didn’t want to be alone so….Either way, I was judged. People don’t like me and I can sense this from a mile away, which is why I am extremely sensitive. But when I am attacked I do not back down on my opinions. Not even to my narcissist MR. HYDE, but with a narcissist they don’t give a damn anyway.

So what prompted me to write this journal entry was when I was standing just now in the mirror curling my hair and feeling down on myself for having chosen a white man with a damn Narcissistic Personality Disorder to marry and why I aways had this race identity issue, I thought to myself, wait a minute…my whole friggin family are all involved in relationships with caucasian women. At least all of the males are. But of course, me being me, I’m the only over- analytical person who actually thinks or dwells on this shit. That’s me for ya. The black sheep of the family.

OMG!

I having an OCD moment. I just applied a screen protector on my pad, iPad, whatever the heck it’s called and there’s a trapped air bubble right in the center of it!! It’s driving me insane!!!!!!! 

Emotophobia – the Fear of Strong Negative Emotions

GentleKindness

Emotophobia is the fear of unpleasant emotions, not to be confused with emetophobia, the fear of vomiting.

There is little online about emotophobia.

The few articles I found offered the suggestion to “stop treating negative emotions as if they are your enemies and can harm you.”

This is somewhat condescending and implies that emotions themselves cannot harm you.

The person offering this advice clearly has never been in a situation where showing negative emotions could harm them.

So, they think it is rather ridiculous that someone would associate their negative emotions with danger.

The problem with this thinking is that there are situations where someone’s emotions can cause them harm.

This advise shows a complete misunderstanding of emotophobia and its root causes.

People with emotophobia are not “treating” emotions as if they are the enemy.

For people that have emotophobia, emotions were the enemy and they were followed by consequences.

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MY ONCE LITTLE BOY

MY ONCE LITTLE BOY
People kept telling me
that I should’ve abandoned you

But when you think about it
thinking about myself
is exactly what they wanted
me to do

How could I leave
such a beautiful boy behind
my little boy without his mother
Never even crossed my mind

Until you were old enough
to break my heart
Which was always my hesitancy
from the start

I thought I saw it coming
yet I didn’t want to swerve
And the treatment I stayed behind for
I know that I didn’t deserve

I do almost anything for you
I did do anything for you
and I still failed

© she
November 28, 2016

when I look at my children this is what see mother and child them and me
Mama misses you Potter (my deceased dog)

OUT THE WINDOW AGAIN!

See this is exactly what I’m talking about. We wake up this morning at 4:45 am to find our 17-yr old son gone. Missing. His bedroom door locked. He’s snuck out his bedroom window AGAIN. My narc gets all upset, does his usual huffing and puffing but never really does anything about it. No consequences, no grounding, not taking anything away, like his games or his cell phone, no nothing.

For the last 5 years, I have been telling my narc our son is going down the wrong path. I have said it, his teachers have all said it, his principles have said, his high school coaches have said it and even a psychiatrist that I took him to said it, and my narc still refused to listen. Anyway, I have been nagging or whatever you want to call it, at him to listen to me about our son and that I felt that the lack of his “parental” disciplinary actions (because he never listens to me, he discards me) was going to come back and bite us in the ass, my narc ignores me like usual. And every time I beg and plead for him to just listen to me and stop doubting me when it comes to our son not being able to be trusted, he always says “You’re always trying to blame me for something” word for word, this what he says.

NARCS NEVER WANT TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYTHING!!! If he had Just nipped our son’s behavior in the bud a long time ago and just listen to me maybe our son wouldn’t be such a stubborn undisciplined teen who thinks he can come and go as he pleases, control his father (oh hail no is he not going to try that shit with me), invite girls over our house and in his room with the door closed and lights out while his father sits right there and accepts it, etc, etc this list goes on and on. My point is although we are not supposed to blame people for stuff, HE IS TO BLAME!! my narc is an enabler who would rather be a best friend to his son rather than the father that he needs. I’m so pissed right now!! Now look at our son. No goals for college, no wanting to get up and do anything for himself, not trying in high school, grades failing even though I’ve begged him to let me help…I HAVE NO ONE ELSE TO BLAME BUT MY NARC. Sorry yall, but I had to vent….

DARK BOX OF SOLITUDE


DARK BOX OF SOLITUDE

Follow up to the poem
Four Walls and a Roof poem

Have you ever struggled so hard (when you finally broke free of your captivity) that going back to your mental/emotional abuser and enduring his treatment seemed cope-able than struggling?

What I mean by stuggling is that things just weren’t looking up for me in 2012.

From the moment I left him and fled to the shelter and the horrible experience I had had there, till what came next from sleeping in my car for a few days and when my rickety old car with no air conditioning or heat, finally breaking down, things didn’t get any better. However, I still kept my head above water and treaded on.

It was like this dreadful dark box of solitude that he’d forced me to seclude myself in had become an evil spirit that followed me to Austin which is where I ended up when I left Mr. Hyde. And that dark box of solitude was just going to keep haunting me forever.

© she
Artwork by
shprops4xnalara

FOUR WALLS & A ROOF


*FOUR WALLS AND A ROOF 

Four walls and a roof
With nothing else
Sitting quietly on the floor
With no one but yourself

You play it over
in your mind
The material things
that you had

But when you think
of what you gave up
It only makes you
mad

Listening to people
who in essense
discounted how you
felt

Those people have
no worries
None like the ones
you’ve been dealt

Four walls and a roof
With nothing else
Staring at the cracks
Silently crying for help

Watching the cockroaches
as they come and go
Soon to become the only confidants
you’ll know

Hopes and dreams
Fears and longing

You wish you could
close your eyes
And make them appear
and disappear

Emotionally
insensitive people
Preaching life should
be as easy as 1-2-3

When the less fortunate people’s lives
have never worked that chronologically

Four walls and a roof
With a big ass hole
Exposed to all elements
And especially to
your soul

You wonder why it’s you
That’s suffering here so
While he’s living in comfort
And you’ve no where to go

Instead of being angry
that he was the cause
of why you’re here

You blame yourself tremendously
You should have
been more aware

Deprived of an essential human need
Silence was always a punishment indeed

Four walls and a roof
Much like before
living in solitude
behind a closed door

The loneliness never ends
and now it’ll become worse
Like living in a padded room
Questioning if your life is a curse

Have you gone
from bad to worse?
You ask yourself
Could being alone
alone drive one insane?

Four walls and a roof
These poverish conditions
No positive intuitions
Just continuous positions

People shouldn’t tell you
that life will get better
Because it’s like making a guarantee

But when you’ve done
your best and still end
up with less
A shattered faith
is what they’ll see

Four walls and a roof
Once again you feel imprisoned
A voluntary admission
This time of your own infliction

You question yourself
You second guess yourself
Is alone the way
you really want it to be?

These decrepit old walls
And rickety old floor
Large whole in the roof
Cockroaches under
the floor

Is living this way
Still worth it anymore?

But never ask
a pretentious person
because they’ll tell you
that it is

When they wouldn’t
do it themselves
So they need to
quit talking shit

© she
Mar 12 2016
Art by Hearthy

NO PLACE LIKE HOME

I’ve been looking for a place like this. The thing is I never thought I’d find it on Facebook let alone this type of group on Facebook. I’d taken a 5 year sabbatical from Facebook because I couldn’t stand the people and I felt the social network was just way too overrated. 

Just recently (the last 4 months or so) I started getting really heavy into the art groups, because I friggin love art. Besides it has a plethora or Art Groups. But that’s beside the point right now. 

I don’t know how but I stumbled upon this group called Narcissist Support (from YouTube) which has over 12k members in it (not just women) but men as well. It’s a closed group so you’ll have to ask to join.

http://www.facebook.com/groups/HealingAfterNarcissisticAbuse/

If the link doesn’t work just log into Facebook and search Narcissist Support (from YouTube) it’s one of the few groups that I’ve felt totally validated in and about how I feel inside. People like me. Not just recovering people, but people “still in it“, people still fighting. People who have each other’s backs. No one judges each other like I feel some of the Narcissist blogs on here do.

If someone would ask a question like “has your Narc ever did this…“, over 100 people would chime in on their horrific experiences. I call these experiences share and share alikes, because everyone shares their trauma’s and no one is left to feel stupid because of their choices. Everyone is validated and not ignored and this is the most reassuring feeling of all. I will call this my home and there’s no place like it.

It’s a bummer that I can’t share my poetry, which relates so much to our experiences in this group, but I can always find another outlet for it…

MY FAVORITE SPOT

MY FAVORITE SPOT

I sit and I eat alone
Alone at one of my favorite spots
A favourite spot and I overhear
Overhear what I don’t like to hear
Hear others talk about things
Everyday things everyday plans
How a friend tells a friend
she’ll be waiting at home
to surprise her man
Or how he’s bought his girl a ticket
for two to Japan
And I think to myself that
these people
these lovers
should never take for granted
the love that they have
the love that they share
the gift that love
brought them together
That love itself is gift

I don’t think I’ll eat here again for awhile

© she
November 26, 2016