Today’s topic of discussion is about IDENTITY which I will be having with myself because as always seems it seems like that anyway.

Journal Entry:

I have always had an issue with or have for most of my life been conflicted about my identity as far as race was concerned. I have other conflictions, but today I will only be talking about one. My conflicted identity is with my race. Now I don’t have to talk about it, just as a person with a sexual preference doesn’t have to divulge that information but they would if they wanted to. So I am.

Right now I guess I want to talk about it because I’m ashamed of something or someone which often times makes me feel like the choice I made in him was the wrong choice for me because of his race. Don’t get me wrong. Personally, I have not dated or been with a lot men. But the men I did choose were mostly caucasian. So if you would tell me that there was a black man who would be a narcissist I would find that hard to believe. Oddly and ashamedly I would believe a black man would be anything else.

I know, I know that’s racist to say but it’s rather a fear of my own race. Especially black men. But whenever my husband, a narcissist who I call MR. HYDE would treat me cruelly, I would always think to myself “I bet a black man wouldn’t treat me like this”, I know that sounds messed up and even I think it sounds messed up. But hey, I’m messed up. However, there is always a back story as to why people behave or believe why they do what they do. And in my case, I have a lot of very very deep and personal childhood experiences with black men which cause me to feel the way I do. If you can try to understand what I mean.

Not only that, but I was made to feel rejected and like an outsider by my own race. And that is very hurtful and I didn’t want to be alone so….Either way, I was judged. People don’t like me and I can sense this from a mile away, which is why I am extremely sensitive. But when I am attacked I do not back down on my opinions. Not even to my narcissist MR. HYDE, but with a narcissist they don’t give a damn anyway.

So what prompted me to write this journal entry was when I was standing just now in the mirror curling my hair and feeling down on myself for having chosen a white man with a damn Narcissistic Personality Disorder to marry and why I aways had this race identity issue, I thought to myself, wait a minute…my whole friggin family are all involved in relationships with caucasian women. At least all of the males are. But of course, me being me, I’m the only over- analytical person who actually thinks or dwells on this shit. That’s me for ya. The black sheep of the family.


13 thoughts on “IdENTiTY

  1. do not know about any caucasian or black people personally…….only through internet……..but i know of the racial discrimination…….being an outcast……..i do not know if having such opinion is right or healthy…….but these experience does enforce the stereotype………..i do not judge a new person before giving sufficient chances…….and then i am hell out of there……updating my entries. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

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