Today’s topic of discussion is about IDENTITY which I will be having with myself because as always seems it seems like that anyway.
I have always had an issue with or have for most of my life been conflicted about my identity as far as race was concerned. I have other conflictions, but today I will only be talking about one. My conflicted identity is with my race. Now I don’t have to talk about it, just as a person with a sexual preference doesn’t have to divulge that information but they would if they wanted to. So I am.
Right now I guess I want to talk about it because I’m ashamed of something or someone which often times makes me feel like the choice I made in him was the wrong choice for me because of his race. Don’t get me wrong. Personally, I have not dated or been with a lot men. But the men I did choose were mostly caucasian. So if you would tell me that there was a black man who would be a narcissist I would find that hard to believe. Oddly and ashamedly I would believe a black man would be anything else.
I know, I know that’s racist to say but it’s rather a fear of my own race. Especially black men. But whenever my husband, a narcissist who I call MR. HYDE would treat me cruelly, I would always think to myself “I bet a black man wouldn’t treat me like this”, I know that sounds messed up and even I think it sounds messed up. But hey, I’m messed up. However, there is always a back story as to why people behave or believe why they do what they do. And in my case, I have a lot of very very deep and personal childhood experiences with black men which cause me to feel the way I do. If you can try to understand what I mean.
Not only that, but I was made to feel rejected and like an outsider by my own race. And that is very hurtful and I didn’t want to be alone so….Either way, I was judged. People don’t like me and I can sense this from a mile away, which is why I am extremely sensitive. But when I am attacked I do not back down on my opinions. Not even to my narcissist MR. HYDE, but with a narcissist they don’t give a damn anyway.
So what prompted me to write this journal entry was when I was standing just now in the mirror curling my hair and feeling down on myself for having chosen a white man with a damn Narcissistic Personality Disorder to marry and why I aways had this race identity issue, I thought to myself, wait a minute…my whole friggin family are all involved in relationships with caucasian women. At least all of the males are. But of course, me being me, I’m the only over- analytical person who actually thinks or dwells on this shit. That’s me for ya. The black sheep of the family.