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The Oddest Dream

Last night I had the oddest dream and I’m not sure if it’s connected to the future or the past. My now 17-year-old son is a toddler in this dream. He’s just in his walking stage and where they start learning how to lock doors like screen doors and stuff.

We had gone on vacation or something. Whatever it was our hotel room was a floor that was pretty high up and there was a glassed balcony with slits or openings in it, which I didn’t think anything could slip through, not even a small dog. The glass balcony had a glass door with (what -do- ya- know) a screen type latch lock on it, which my toddler kept going in and out of and locking the door behind himself. I swear it scared the living daylights out of me and I would have to lure my son with a piece of candy from the glass just to get him to come to the balcony door to unlock it so I could grab him in and relock the door behind me.

Well, we’d also brought along our chihuahua whom I also loved, cherished and couldn’t bare to lose. I guess our toddler had somehow managed to shimmy the door lock open again and walked away Because just as I was walking in from the bedroom I noticed my dog heading outside on the balcony and me being paranoid as it is, my first thought was “what if” his body gets though one of those slits in the balcony glass? And just as I thought that he managed to squeeze through! He fell to his death as I screamed NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I…just couldn’t believe what was happening. I woke up in tears. I had lost a part of me. I had lost the only emotional support that I needed which is here with me right now (after I left my husband almost seven months ago.

I drifted off the sleep again and wound back up in the same dream again.  This time I was in the hotel bedroom once again, I walked out to find my son (still a toddler) outside on the balcony. He’d locked the door from the outside. He would walk back and forth from the door to the glassed guard rail sorta playing with me and giggling. I was panicking. I was banging on the door lock. But it just wouldn’t pop open. I was calling his name for him to come to the door. I tried bribing him, grabbing his favorite toys to lure him to me, saying “You want some candy?” You want mama to get you some ice cream? Do you want this? You want that?  “You wanna go here?” He just kept walking back and forth to and from the glass wall and back to the glass door. I felt like I was going to pass out with anxiety.

Then all sudden he started walking to the left. I thought “what it” he squeezed his way through there and fell? I really started to panic. Then my eyes began to get bigger and bigger as I noticed that one of the panels wasn’t even there! I thought “OH SHIT!” I could see him going from panel to panel and looking through each slit. Then I guess he noticed his dad talking to Susan Sarandon (I have no idea why)  at the pool down below. He started yelling “daddy!” he was getting closer and closer to the panel without the glass and he was clearly able to just walk through it. I was banging, pushing, grabbing anything I could grab to knock and hammer the door thingy. I even got on the floor on my back and tried to just push the glass door open with all of the strength in my legs. BUT IT JUST WOULD’NT come open. My son had reached the last panel and …he just fell through…falling about 10 stories to his death. The memory of this death brings tears to my eyes as I’m typing this. Just replaying as he just fell between the two glass panels.

So I guess I’d lost the two most important things in my life that I loved so dearly. I’d lost my dog and I ‘d lost my son to death and now I had NO ONE. Then I kinda thought to myself as I woke up, is the reason that I’m trying to hold on to this person whom I love but is totally wrong for me, who verbally abuses me, uses me, takes me for granted, etc, etc. Am I holding on to this person NO MATTER WHAT because I’m afraid of losing them, that I’m afraid of being left alone?

I’m in pain and I miss my son so much. His narcissist father stole him from me.

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