Just when you think no one’s watching, they are. Just when you think no one cares, they do. Just when you think you’re unpopular, you are. Wow, I’m staggard with suprise.
I just keep screwing things up for myself. I’m so damn impatient. I tell myself that I need to wait, wait wait. To take my time, to rebuild myself from scratch, but I always seem to do this while pressuring someone else into a relationship that they themselves aren’t ready for.
Yesterday’s therapy session:
July 27, 2018
I never thought I had alot of control over much, especially coming from an
abusive marriage As a matter
of fact my therapist asked
me to make a list.
My list only had about 5 things on it.
Which were hard for me to even
come up with since I left him
Things I can FINALLY control NOW:
2. What I say
3. What/How I express myself
4. What I CHOOSE to tell people
5. Whether or not I react in anger
Then she gave me this list and now I feel like I can control SO MUCH MORE!! I feel EMPOWERED!!
Abuse is abuse. Not to compare, but emotional and mental abuse has the worst effect. I mention this because I’ve been there. Seventeen years of mental and emotional from my ex husband and then a year ago from an ex gf, who did both mentally and almost physically. She wanted a reason to physically abuse me all because of what I thought was the childish reason.🙄
She wanted me to hit her just so it would give her a reason to kick my ass. I wasn’t going to allow her to win. So I stood there and laughed in her face. I didn’t give her what she wanted but for the strangest reason I wasn’t afraid. Face to face, nose to nose. What did I do? I simply smiled. Which pissed her off even more. Then she backed down. 🤷🏽♀️
But mental abuse, that shit can damage you for life, bruises fade away. Either way abuse is abuse.
But what about those who felt invisible all their lives?
Some men think all women are stupid 😕. This guy askes this girl over for dinner for the first time. But before he does he texts her and asks if she’s eaten yet. Although she’d had a small snack before the call, she still asked why. He said it was because he was just finishing up cooking and wanted her to come join him. So gets get sorta dolled up, reapplied her makeup and walked down to his apartment and up the stairs.
Red Flag #1
He says “I hope you don’t mind rice and beans” She thought to herself, are you serious and why are you still in your pajamas? Aren’t I good enough to even be dressed up for, or have a REAL meal created for? Sorta pissed she ate the effortlessly created meal he threw together.
They chatted a bit. She got know him a little more, still wondering why he couldn’t have slid on some jeans at least.
Red Flag #2.
Men have no respect for you, not even enough to change out of a pair of dingy pajama bottoms you caught him wearing yesterday at the local gas station 🙄.
Then he starts dropping hints that he wants to fuck her. He’s pretty good looking, don’t get me wrong, plus she had thought the same of him up until then. He hinted that she stay the night which she figured wouldn’t hurt. I mean he was hot 🔥. They proceeded to his bedroom which she was immediately disgusted that his bed wasn’t made. She thought, “come dude, don’t you know how to wine and dine? At least make a girl feel comfortable!” I mean you didn’t make any efforts at all to impress me 😠.” He hadn’t even made his bed. The sheets probably hadn’t even been washed!
Red Flag #3.
When they got undressed and started kissing, he headed south, and not south to please her, but instead to finger her until she was wet to which then he attempted to proceed without a condom! She said “Hold up, where’s the condom?” He pretended to play dumb
My assignment from my newer therapist is to write something. Hmm…something? It seems like since I’ve been out of the abusive miserable marriage to my husband there is nothing to bitch and complain about. Isn’t that sad?
If I did write would it be dark or happy? My life isn’t completely happy, but then again what does being completely happy look like? I read and am told that only I can determine my happiness aka make it happen. I mean, I cant use the excuse anymore that when I woke up I was set out to have a good day and then my husband fucked it up before it even turned 8 am. No more excuses. I will wake up with pleasant thoughts and try to keep them pleasant throughout the day.