An overwhelming sense of GUILT

I’m having this overwhelming sense of guilt. I shouldn’t have left my son when he was only 12. I thought it was the right time to start thinking selfishly (councelor, therapists, psychiatrists,etc suggested I think about myself) but it wasn’t. I abandoned him in 2012. I headed to a few shelters then on to Austin, Texas.

Maybe that’s why my son turned out the way he did. Then when I went back to repair it in 2013, back to his emotionally abusive narcissistic father, it was too late. The emotional damage I’d done to my son was too late. Why oh why did I think my son could handle it? He was just a child.

Maybe I was too overwhelmed by parenthood. I just felt like I was doing it alone. But my own son was bullying me and he was only 12!! His father wouldn’t do shit to help me control him.

So one day…I just up and left. Disappeared. Before I took my own life…. again. Now I regret having left at all. My son was only 12, maybe he didn’t know better. He was only a baby!! But his father sure as hell knew better, but he stood by and allowed our son to disrespect me. He did nothing to stop it.

I’m sorry too, I’m so sorry, poo. (My son’s Nick name)

Now he’s 18, and I’ve left his father again when you were 17, but he started to act like his father when he turned 15. With?! The two were nothing but bullies towards me.

Now I’ve been gone for a year, but less than a year I’ve been gone his father has stood back and allowed my son to drop out of school. I was the one who stayed home and made sure he got to school. That task alone was hard as hell because he was hard to wake up and he made every excuse in the book not to go or remain there. He was tough. I was always stressed and always worried just like I am now. Since I’ve been gone, he’s been running rampid in the streets of a small town his father took him back too. A small meth city named Van. And impressionable as he is now addicted to meth. CRACK! AND SELLING IT TOO 😮 I can’t help thinking that this is all my fault.

If I exit the conversation this is why

Excuse me if I don’t want to talk
about how perfect your children
are and how bright their futures look
while mine is steadily flushing his
down the toilet on a daily basis.
😪 When you leave your child with
a narcissists under the suggestion
that it’s time to think about yourself
before it’s too late and you mentally
lose your mind
This is what happens…
The narcissist doesn’t care about that
child He only cares about himself
He’ll allow that child to run ramped
Expect that child to raise himself
Give that child all the control
Even the control to determine his
own future
And if that child feels neglected
and that you don’t care about him,
that your guard is down
your child won’t care about himself
either Then you know what will
happen?
He’ll drop out of school
And the narcissist will not take
accountability for his own part
in what went wrong
So no, I don’t want to talk about
how well your child is doing
in school or even how your child
just went off to college
and no I won’t share my sad story,
but I will excuse myself from the
conversation because it breaks
my heart to stay around thinking
about my baby boy and how he
would have turned out if I would
have stayed and endured the
treatment of his father for at least
two more years

Don’t fall for the bullshit

We live in a world where men just don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves. They don’t love us. They only love what they can take or use us for until a better opportunity comes along.

That’s how I see. That’s how it’s always been. Just look around. These other women proclaiming perfect marriages and tolerable relationships are hiding secrets… Don’t fall for the bullshit.

IF YOU HAVE NOTHING TO SAY

*IF YOU HAVE NOTHING TO SAY*

Story of my fucking life.
This is where I always make the mistake of divulging too much to a person
who gets off on feeling superior.
Shit, I don’t need a second parent soliciting unasked for advice then praising me on accomplishments that a woman my age doesn’t really need as if I were thirsty for it.
I’m a whole grown woman, not a child. 😕
My life is not front page news for you be so bored that you think must contact me
just for entertainment.
For in time these reasons will eventually
be realized.
When you text, have something to say,
when you call, have something to say
or don’t text or call at all.
I’m shutting up.
You’ll here crickets from me…

© she
February 23, 2018