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AFTER ALL THESE MONTHS

I haven’t talked to my son for over four months thinking he was dead because the last time I’d heard he was selling crack and had dropped out of school, living on the streets and what not and because he hadn’t been answering his phone. Only to find out LAST NIGHT after trying to call it one last time, I broke no contact and I finally text his father (the narcissist) to ask if he’d turned our sons off and he said yes because he was tired of our son losing his phone.

I asked if our son was safe and off the streets. He says yes, and that our son was sitting right there. !!!😮 I’m fucking FURIOUS right now. All these months neither of them have bothered to contact me. I told my husband to tell our son that I’d been worried and to tell him that I loved him. There was no reply. So I text back and asked, “did you tell him?” He says, “yes” but I don’t know if that was a lie or not because that was the last thing he said. 😠😞😢

He never text back and I was afraid to start shit or he would have really ignored me. He does that on purpose to piss me off and it works.

I’m so depressed, sad and crying right now. Why doesn’t my son love me? What did I do wrong?

Push

I push people away

And I don’t care

I’m flawed

Therefore I’ll find something

Just as flawed in you

So I have an excuse

To run like hell

Don’t try to be my friend

Don’t try to offer a hand

I don’t want your sympathy

That’s not what friendship

is to me

Don’t talk to me like

I’m a senseless fool

I have a strong mind

I was born with this tool

Don’t try to tell me

what I should and could do

If I haven’t asked for your

advice

You’ll soon be removed

That’s what’s I do

I push

©she

An overwhelming sense of GUILT

I’m having this overwhelming sense of guilt. I shouldn’t have left my son when he was only 12. I thought it was the right time to start thinking selfishly (councelor, therapists, psychiatrists,etc suggested I think about myself) but it wasn’t. I abandoned him in 2012. I headed to a few shelters then on to Austin, Texas.

Maybe that’s why my son turned out the way he did. Then when I went back to repair it in 2013, back to his emotionally abusive narcissistic father, it was too late. The emotional damage I’d done to my son was too late. Why oh why did I think my son could handle it? He was just a child.

Maybe I was too overwhelmed by parenthood. I just felt like I was doing it alone. But my own son was bullying me and he was only 12!! His father wouldn’t do shit to help me control him.

So one day…I just up and left. Disappeared. Before I took my own life…. again. Now I regret having left at all. My son was only 12, maybe he didn’t know better. He was only a baby!! But his father sure as hell knew better, but he stood by and allowed our son to disrespect me. He did nothing to stop it.

I’m sorry too, I’m so sorry, poo. (My son’s Nick name)

Now he’s 18, and I’ve left his father again when you were 17, but he started to act like his father when he turned 15. With?! The two were nothing but bullies towards me.

Now I’ve been gone for a year, but less than a year I’ve been gone his father has stood back and allowed my son to drop out of school. I was the one who stayed home and made sure he got to school. That task alone was hard as hell because he was hard to wake up and he made every excuse in the book not to go or remain there. He was tough. I was always stressed and always worried just like I am now. Since I’ve been gone, he’s been running rampid in the streets of a small town his father took him back too. A small meth city named Van. And impressionable as he is now addicted to meth. CRACK! AND SELLING IT TOO 😮 I can’t help thinking that this is all my fault.