An overwhelming sense of GUILT

I’m having this overwhelming sense of guilt. I shouldn’t have left my son when he was only 12. I thought it was the right time to start thinking selfishly (councelor, therapists, psychiatrists,etc suggested I think about myself) but it wasn’t. I abandoned him in 2012. I headed to a few shelters then on to Austin, Texas.

Maybe that’s why my son turned out the way he did. Then when I went back to repair it in 2013, back to his emotionally abusive narcissistic father, it was too late. The emotional damage I’d done to my son was too late. Why oh why did I think my son could handle it? He was just a child.

Maybe I was too overwhelmed by parenthood. I just felt like I was doing it alone. But my own son was bullying me and he was only 12!! His father wouldn’t do shit to help me control him.

So one day…I just up and left. Disappeared. Before I took my own life…. again. Now I regret having left at all. My son was only 12, maybe he didn’t know better. He was only a baby!! But his father sure as hell knew better, but he stood by and allowed our son to disrespect me. He did nothing to stop it.

I’m sorry too, I’m so sorry, poo. (My son’s Nick name)

Now he’s 18, and I’ve left his father again when you were 17, but he started to act like his father when he turned 15. With?! The two were nothing but bullies towards me.

Now I’ve been gone for a year, but less than a year I’ve been gone his father has stood back and allowed my son to drop out of school. I was the one who stayed home and made sure he got to school. That task alone was hard as hell because he was hard to wake up and he made every excuse in the book not to go or remain there. He was tough. I was always stressed and always worried just like I am now. Since I’ve been gone, he’s been running rampid in the streets of a small town his father took him back too. A small meth city named Van. And impressionable as he is now addicted to meth. CRACK! AND SELLING IT TOO 😮 I can’t help thinking that this is all my fault.

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OH SO TRIGGERING

OH SO TRIGGERING

These walls are thin
I hear everything
I hear too much
oh so triggering
do I get involved
or do I ignore
Can’t stand to
hear her scream
and then suddenly
fall to the floor
oh so triggering
oh so triggering

© she
October 16, 2016

DISTRUCTIVE WORD

When you say hurtful (verbally abusive) words to another, how dare you think that those words aren’t remembered or effective to the psych? Out of anger or not, you need to watch what you say! Some words can’t be forgiven and if they are, the abuse will continue…

I’ve been in a relationship with someone for the past three months and they’ve called me every name in the book out of anger (mutherfucker, dumbass, bitch, petty, that i deserved to be alone because of my insecurities, Ms.know-it-all) etc, etc and they’ve even told me that I deserved all the abusive treatment that I received from my previous 18 yrs of marriage) but not have I ever once stepped to thier level and responded with the same violent distructive words that they have… and trust me, they deserved it.

Now, if this isn’t an emotionally and verbally abusive narcissist than I don’t know what is. All I know is that I deserve better than this person. 

BULLY


*BULLY*

How can he say that it isn’t
mentally or emotionally abuse
when he’s been saying these
thirteen words for years

“If you don’t like the way I treat you, then you can just leave”
“If you don’t like the way I treat you, then you can just leave”
“If you don’t like the way I treat you, then you can just leave”
“If you don’t like the way I treat you, then you can just leave”
“If you don’t like the way I treat you, then you can just leave”
“If you don’t like the way I treat you, then you can just leave”
“If you don’t like the way I treat you, then you can just leave”
“If you don’t like the way I treat you, then you can just leave”
“If you don’t like the way I treat you, then you can just leave”
“If you don’t like the way I treat you, then you can just leave”
“If you don’t like the way I treat you, then you can just leave”
“If you don’t like the way I treat you, then you can just leave”
“If you don’t like the way I treat you, then you can just leave”
“If you don’t like the way I treat you, then you can just leave”
“If you don’t like the way I treat you, then you can just leave”
“If you don’t like the way I treat you, then you can just leave”
“If you don’t like the way I treat you, then you can just leave”
“If you don’t like the way I treat you, then you can just leave”

Slowly and unconsciously
coaching his son to treat his
wife and the mother of thier
child the same way…

He may as well start saying,
“If you don’t like the way WE’RE
treating you, then you can leave”

Two bullies ganging up on
a woman who doesn’t
deserve it No one deserves
to be bullied

WHAT’S A BULLY? A BULLY
is a person who uses strengh,
power and control to
intimidate those who are
weaker typically to force
him or her to do what one
wants.

“If you don’t like the way I treat you, then you can leave”

And finally one day she did

© she
July 19, 2016

THIS IS ME UNSHELTERED


UNSHELTERED

This is what I look
like when I’m
unsheltered

Not necessarily
happier but also
not as stressed as
I find myself right
now

It seems the
worry becomes
intense knowing
that I’m here and
the fear of the
unknown and
the anxiety of the
unclear

Will I ever
look this way again
Half complete
without a home
or without a true
or trusting friend

Taking for granted
of what I had then
constantly
undecided about
what’s best for
me in the end

Being sheltered
doesn’t define me
But I’m oh so afraid
that being here
will remind me

That I was once
nothing and
will always be
nothing to anyone
who knows this past
of mine

And being here
has tramatized me
once again
Will I end up here
again and again?

Physically and
mentally a cycle
without a
brighter
end

© she
February 10, 2017

“Homeless” again…

Welp, I’m back in a shelter again. My brother balled his fist up at me twice now. I’m not playing that shit. 

After three weeks of witnessing him verbally, mentally, emotionally, and physically abuse his girlfriend (well, she’s not even his girlfriend. He’s just living with her because they have an 8 year old together) I should have either called the cops a long time ago or have left a long time ago. The cops she didn’t want me to to do anyway, because she didn’t want CPS involved because they’ve been involved before. 

But this time when he balled his fist up at me for defending her and then calling me a bitch, I had to finally leave (but only after he’d left for work that morning) However after I’d gathered my two bags or the necessity’s I needed when he got back home and found out He cussed her out and spat in her face. And right in front of thier daughter. 

I’ve applied for a few apartments so the one I want and is most affordable should be calling soon. When that becomes available on the 15th, I’m headed straight there. Oh and I’m filing a …what’s it called when he can’t come near me? So yeh, I’m doing that too because I mean business. And when she finally means business as well and kicks his ass out he better not even think about heading my way!!

LIQUOR COVERED LIES

LIQUOR COVERED LIES

She’s documenting this day when
she went to
go stay in an unfamiliar
place that her
sibling sent her running for
shelter from his
narcissistic rage His promises of
a full and brighter
life Had been nothing but
bullshit and liquor
covered lies Days which brought
nothing but perturbed
anxiety for his similar behaviors
triggered by memories
of her former suffering
She wonders if her abusive past
wasn’t done with her
yet

© she
February 1,2017

#abuse #narcissisticrage #alcoholism #shelter #fear

HESITANCE

HESITANCE

she steps forward
and then steps back is the
victim afraid to tear away from
the one who’s defeated
her the ones who’s exhausted
her like a lifeline
tied to the lifeless having
endured a lifetime
of this abusive syndrome

© she
December 19, 2016