The Middle

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Like I mentioned in yesterdays post I said that I didn’t know where to start talking about my life since I came back here to Iowa in 2017. Yesterday I began with the present and today I guess I’ll start off with the middle and believe me it was a very hectic middle. Since I’ve been back I sort of abandoned my blog. Well sorta kinda. I still posted my poetry and my art but strayed away from anything really personal. I guess it was because associated pain with this blog which is why I originally started it up back in 2015. I used this blog to vent. I was hurt. I was angry. I needed someone other than the people I was becoming toxic to listen to me bitch instead.

During this Middle. I was both used and abused once again by the same person I’d left behind. Seems I just can’t get enough of them damn narcissists. We’ll just call her by her real name Brendella. From the end of February till June she had manipulated me into letting her and her son come live with me until her apartment in another city became available. That was the biggest mistake I could have made. I was played like a violin. I was emotionally abused, mentally abused, belittled, discarded, disrespected, used in every way. I used up all the money I had saved living in Texas on her and her son.

I felt like the sole provider of an entire family that wasn’t even my own!!! She didn’t do shit but stay up all night and sleep half the day. Then act angry at me because I wouldn’t lazy around with her all day. This chic was a drama queen too. She was what lesbians would classify as the STUD or the masculine one of a lesbian couple. There wasn’t anything studly about her ass at all. She was a user who expected a sugar mama to take care of her while she didn’t do shit. Well, that relationship didn’t last long THANK GOD. She was an ungrateful, unappreciative, emotionally cheating on me with not only me, but this other nasty chic. And when I finally couldn’t take the disrespect and her not respecting my boundaries, I’d had enough. By this time, it’d only been four months!! I was emotionally drained. And exhausted from trying to make this girl love me when she wasn’t even worth loving in the first place.

However, since then I’ve moved on to hopefully better things….

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10 Months Ago

I a girl i love a girl and im ok with that

It’s hard to believe that  I left my narcissistic abusive husband 10 months ago. As a matter of fact, the last time I left him I was gone for 10 months as well. I really hadn’t realized that till just now actually.

So much has happened. I don’t even know where to start. The present, the middle or from the very beginning when we (my dog Beevo and I) first arrived here in Iowa January 3, 2017?

I kinda wanna start with the present because I’m finally feeling comfortable with myself, my sexuality and with being free to be me, which is having an attraction to other women? Yeh, I said it. 😊

SUPPORT


SUPPORT

We often fail to realize that everything
depends on these springs
And with out them we’d have
nothing to support the weight of our
hardest, heaviest and most exhausting days
The days where we just need a place
rest our heavy brains

© she
Feb 2017

THE D-TEAM


THE D-TEAM

She was never any good
at basketball
As a matter of fact in the
seventh grade when she
tried out for it
She was immediately
placed on the D-team
Yeh, she’ll admit that she
was terrible

Motherhood for her has
been like playing on the
D-team of a single person
basketball squad

When she became a
mother and when she had
the ball She didn’t know
what to do with it
And every time she froze
Her control would be taken
away from her

She tried to go after it
She tried
But she was clumsy
and could never get
control of it
So the ball got taken
further and further
away

From that point on
whomever had it
just did with it as they
chose because she just
stood there and allowed
them them take it

So as a result of letting
the ball get taken
She lost at her own game
A game she now feels like
she literally handed over
to the winning player

This is how her journey
of motherhood has felt
Like playing on the D-Team

© she
January 2017

DON’T BRING ME FLOWERS

*DON’T BRING ME FLOWERS*

I don’t get to smell the flowers
Because I don’t have a green thumb
I don’t understand the reason for them
When their life seems over before it’s begun

Don’t bring me flowers I try to remind people
Because they only bring me down
A gifted centiment to have died so fast
A broken heart when they’re no longer
around

© she
November 5, 2016

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