AFTER ALL THESE MONTHS

I haven’t talked to my son for over four months thinking he was dead because the last time I’d heard he was selling crack and had dropped out of school, living on the streets and what not and because he hadn’t been answering his phone. Only to find out LAST NIGHT after trying to call it one last time, I broke no contact and I finally text his father (the narcissist) to ask if he’d turned our sons off and he said yes because he was tired of our son losing his phone.

I asked if our son was safe and off the streets. He says yes, and that our son was sitting right there. !!!😮 I’m fucking FURIOUS right now. All these months neither of them have bothered to contact me. I told my husband to tell our son that I’d been worried and to tell him that I loved him. There was no reply. So I text back and asked, “did you tell him?” He says, “yes” but I don’t know if that was a lie or not because that was the last thing he said. 😠😞😢

He never text back and I was afraid to start shit or he would have really ignored me. He does that on purpose to piss me off and it works.

I’m so depressed, sad and crying right now. Why doesn’t my son love me? What did I do wrong?

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An overwhelming sense of GUILT

I’m having this overwhelming sense of guilt. I shouldn’t have left my son when he was only 12. I thought it was the right time to start thinking selfishly (councelor, therapists, psychiatrists,etc suggested I think about myself) but it wasn’t. I abandoned him in 2012. I headed to a few shelters then on to Austin, Texas.

Maybe that’s why my son turned out the way he did. Then when I went back to repair it in 2013, back to his emotionally abusive narcissistic father, it was too late. The emotional damage I’d done to my son was too late. Why oh why did I think my son could handle it? He was just a child.

Maybe I was too overwhelmed by parenthood. I just felt like I was doing it alone. But my own son was bullying me and he was only 12!! His father wouldn’t do shit to help me control him.

So one day…I just up and left. Disappeared. Before I took my own life…. again. Now I regret having left at all. My son was only 12, maybe he didn’t know better. He was only a baby!! But his father sure as hell knew better, but he stood by and allowed our son to disrespect me. He did nothing to stop it.

I’m sorry too, I’m so sorry, poo. (My son’s Nick name)

Now he’s 18, and I’ve left his father again when you were 17, but he started to act like his father when he turned 15. With?! The two were nothing but bullies towards me.

Now I’ve been gone for a year, but less than a year I’ve been gone his father has stood back and allowed my son to drop out of school. I was the one who stayed home and made sure he got to school. That task alone was hard as hell because he was hard to wake up and he made every excuse in the book not to go or remain there. He was tough. I was always stressed and always worried just like I am now. Since I’ve been gone, he’s been running rampid in the streets of a small town his father took him back too. A small meth city named Van. And impressionable as he is now addicted to meth. CRACK! AND SELLING IT TOO 😮 I can’t help thinking that this is all my fault.

The 5th Rule Narcissists Club

The fifth rule of Narcissist Club is the more you justify, argue, defend or explain yourself (JADE), the more vulnerable you are. When you have a misunderstanding, disagreement or conflict with an emotionally mature and stable adult, explaining your rationale, point of view or clarifying inaccurate information can be very helpful in resolving the issue.

Oftentimes, when having a conflict with narcissists, borderlines, psychopaths and histrionics, explaining yourself, your feelings, your perspective and correcting falsehoods backfires and results in more abuse. There are several reasons for this. One, in many instances, the stated issue with a high-conflict personality disordered individual is not THE issue.The real issue the the personality disorder. Fears of abandonment, losing control, feeling inferior and fear of public exposure are the most common drivers. Sometimes the disordered person creates drama to alleviate boredom, or because they enjoy inflicting pain. Therefore, it doesn’t matter what the facts are, no matter how well you articulate them.

Two, the more accurate and factual you are in the face of the disordered person’s emotional and circular reasoning, the angrier and more abusive they’re likely to become until you concede that their lies and distortions are true and apologize. When you JADE with someone who believes their subjective emotional experience trumps all, there’s no reasonable discussion or resolution to be had.

Three, JADEing gives your abuser information with which to more effectively manipulate and abuse you. You don’t have to justify telling someone no or explain why you find their behavior abusive and unacceptable. When you do that, you open the unacceptable up for negotiation. The more voluminous defenses you make, the more material you give your abuser to cherry pick and twist. It’s especially important not to do this during divorce and custody litigation.

Four, JADEing is a role reversal. Abuse victims don’t have to explain themselves. Abusers need to explain themselves. Abusers’ explanations generally aren’t explanations at all. They make excuses. “I can’t help it.” “I hurt you because I’m hurting.” “If you didn’t x, y or z I wouldn’t have to be like that.” “Only you bring this out in me.”Or, some individuals who’ve been diagnosed use their diagnosis not to be held accountable for their behavior.

If you’re still communicating with a narcissist, borderline, psychopath or histrionic abuser, don’t JADE yourself. That puts the focus on you instead of where it belongs — on their behavior. If they don’t want to own it like a mature adult, deflect or project it back onto you, game over.

DAUGHTER OF A NARC

image

*DAUGHTER OF A NARC*

I could be having a calm
and stressfree day, but as soon
as I pick up your voicemail,
there you are weeping about
something
And to be truthful I be thinking
that it’s all a manipulative
front you put on
It’s as if you enjoy ruining
peoples day
I’m trying so hard to make
it day by day, to move forward,
to heal, to grow stronger
but then you call and it’s
always about you
weeping and weeping
Telling me that you love me,
making it very hard to believe

© Tai (she)
Jan 6, 2018
#daughterofanarcissist

THE TIME OF DAY

THE TIME OF DAY

Past suitors
I wouldn’t have given
the time of day
Here, I am giving you
the time of day
and you’re not reciprocating

What’s wrong with you
What’s wrong with me
What’s wrong with this
picture

The others were worth
ten times
the time of day
than you’ve ever been
since I’ve known you
Yet I chose you to break
my heart

Why do I feel so unworthy
Is this my karma
When anyone else would
feel lucky to have me

© she
August 15, 2017
#narcissists #emotionalabuse #neglect

YOU’RE SELFISH…

Once again I put myself out there like a dumb ass fool to an ex girlfriend of mine (a narcissist)

This is what I texted:

“I need someone to love me full time. Not just when they feel like it. I need someone who thinks about me all the time, not just on occasion. I need someone who calls and text me and makes me feel as if I’m important to them. I deserve more attention than you’re willing to give. And when and if you’re willing to give love, you gotta prove it.”

And this was her response left on my voicemail:

“You’re selfish.”

(along with a few other harsh words)

Fuck it!

YOUR SICKNESS

YOUR SICKNESS

Being there
unconditionally for you,
but you never for me
stresses me to the core,
but hurts me even more
This is one reason
we can’t be together
Your sickness is why
it can’t get any better
Now I’ve gotta build this wall
and build it so tall
That even others can’t climb
As a result of the fragments
you’ve left behind

© she
July 30, 2017

#narcissism #love #heartache

MY HUSBAND

MY HUSBAND

He never called me
He never text me
He never even
thought twice
about me
He treated me like
I wasn’t worth a damn
and you’re no better

© she
July 27, 2017