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The Middle

da80979033cbf63c4e7d410acdfd024e--oh-fuck-fuck-me

Like I mentioned in yesterdays post I said that I didn’t know where to start talking about my life since I came back here to Iowa in 2017. Yesterday I began with the present and today I guess I’ll start off with the middle and believe me it was a very hectic middle. Since I’ve been back I sort of abandoned my blog. Well sorta kinda. I still posted my poetry and my art but strayed away from anything really personal. I guess it was because associated pain with this blog which is why I originally started it up back in 2015. I used this blog to vent. I was hurt. I was angry. I needed someone other than the people I was becoming toxic to listen to me bitch instead.

During this Middle. I was both used and abused once again by the same person I’d left behind. Seems I just can’t get enough of them damn narcissists. We’ll just call her by her real name Brendella. From the end of February till June she had manipulated me into letting her and her son come live with me until her apartment in another city became available. That was the biggest mistake I could have made. I was played like a violin. I was emotionally abused, mentally abused, belittled, discarded, disrespected, used in every way. I used up all the money I had saved living in Texas on her and her son.

I felt like the sole provider of an entire family that wasn’t even my own!!! She didn’t do shit but stay up all night and sleep half the day. Then act angry at me because I wouldn’t lazy around with her all day. This chic was a drama queen too. She was what lesbians would classify as the STUD or the masculine one of a lesbian couple. There wasn’t anything studly about her ass at all. She was a user who expected a sugar mama to take care of her while she didn’t do shit. Well, that relationship didn’t last long THANK GOD. She was an ungrateful, unappreciative, emotionally cheating on me with not only me, but this other nasty chic. And when I finally couldn’t take the disrespect and her not respecting my boundaries, I’d had enough. By this time, it’d only been four months!! I was emotionally drained. And exhausted from trying to make this girl love me when she wasn’t even worth loving in the first place.

However, since then I’ve moved on to hopefully better things….

YOU’RE SELFISH…

Once again I put myself out there like a dumb ass fool to an ex girlfriend of mine (a narcissist)

This is what I texted:

“I need someone to love me full time. Not just when they feel like it. I need someone who thinks about me all the time, not just on occasion. I need someone who calls and text me and makes me feel as if I’m important to them. I deserve more attention than you’re willing to give. And when and if you’re willing to give love, you gotta prove it.”

And this was her response left on my voicemail:

“You’re selfish.”

(along with a few other harsh words)

Fuck it!

I WAS JUST …AROUND

I WAS JUST … AROUND

How can you tell me
that you miss me

You don’t miss me
Because when I was
right under your nose
You didn’t enjoy my
presence

I was just … around

How can you tell me
that you love me

You don’t love me
Because when I was
right under your nose
You gave your attention
to something else

I was just … around

You never spoke to me
You spoke to whomever
was on the other end
of the reciever
All day all night
You rarely spoke to me

I was just …. around

You don’t need me
You need social media
You crave attention
that I’m unable to give

A social network
that I will never be
able to complete
with and what I have
to offer will never
be enough attention
for you

I’ll just be … around
And I don’t want that
I don’t want to be neglected
I need love and attention too

And at the end of the day
I’d rather be sad and alone
Than be alone and lonely
in this relationship

So to make it official…
It’s over

© she
June 10, 2017
#socialmediakillingrelationships

http://elitedaily.com/dating/social-media-killing-relationships-breakups-worse/1586556/

TRUE TO MYSELF

TRUE TO MYSELF

Relationships are tough to be in
Some people want you
to make all of these adjustments
to fit their personality
but don’t want to put any effort
into making adjustments
to fit yours

Instead it’s more like
“Hey, go Google and read up
on my horiscope sign
aka my personality type”

The good, the bad and the ugly
But especially the ugly
Then you know what you can
do next?
You can deal with it
Take me or leave me
But don’t expect the same
“respect” in return

But personally the only effort
that I am willing to make
in any relationship
is the effort
to remain true to myself
In the beginning and throughout it
Because it’s tough enough
when someone is constantly trying
to change you

© she
June 2, 2017

SABOTAGING

SABOTAGING…

Am I intensionally
trying to sabotage
my happiness
with another

There are behaviors
that I’m making
a mountain out of
a mole hill

Sabotaging…

There are knit picked
things that I could
easily choose to
overlook

Or wisely choose another
battle that’s worth
a bone of contention

Sabotaging​…

There’s small characteristics
that I am forcably
comparing to another’s
cruel personality towards
me

Sabotaging…

I’ve grown accustomed
to being treated neglectfully
But then resenting myself
to the depths of my soul
for accepting it

Sabotaging…

Misunderstanding almost
every verbal and non verbal
communication
No answer is perfect
and neither am I

I just keep asking myself
Why won’t I give anyone else
a chance to love me
Loneliness feels safer

Sabotaging…

© she
May 7, 2017